Feelings of inadequacy

We spent yesterday and today among too many children.  Intended D is a cyclist and loves going to bike races...(he tried his hand once at racing and had a crash that gave him a minor concussion.  The beginning and end of his racing career thank goodness!)... We had back to back road bike races in the area yesterday and today, and went to watch them both.  Our good friend was racing in both of them.  We also got to spend time with his wife and baby, and other friends and their baby, and we were surrounded by another million or so other kids.  The cycling community seems to like to bring their kids to bike races.  I'm sure it's a nice way to keep kids somewhat occupied outside in the fresh air, get family time, and at the same time get to take in a bike race. It was a tough time although it was also good visiting with friends.  

My primary response to the two days with such a plenitude of parents and kids was anger and inadequacy.  I see these women and men carting around these kids and I just feel like after all these years of marriage, there must be a whisper campaign spreading through the crowd of young, blissful, proud, arrogant parents regarding why we don't have children.  My insecurity and inadequacy transforms the situation to the following scene: I picture a spotlight on me.   Parents go about their business but out of the corner of their eyes, they are watching me attempting to engage with their children and suddenly my standard comfort with children turns awkward and uneasy.  My arms are uncoordinated and ungraceful, and I try to carry a child in my arms or tickle them but it just causes me to appear like a clumsy ogre.  They are watching me thinking to themselves "boy, she doesn't really know how to act with kids, no wonder they don't have any.  But her husband is so good with them... poor guy..." 

Or the other situation is these perfect parents watching me playing with a kid and thinking "she's so good with kids, a natural... I wonder why she doesn't have any... maybe she is infertile... oh poor girl, how pitiful.  She must feel so pathetic.  I feel sorry for her...."  

Which one is a better scenario?  I don't know.  

Intended D doesn't seem to have this issue.    He is able to not direct any anger toward kids.   He loves them all... He is able to pick and choose which parents he is resentful of.   This is a phenomenon that is a cause of some consternation for me because he is angry at random friends whom he deems undeserving.  He (in my opinion, irrationally) decides who is deserving of parenthood based on some algorithm which I am not privy to.  But that means he harbors random resentment toward some friends strictly because they have a kid.  But another friend with similar circumstances seems to get off scott-free.  At least I am angry with all parents and all kids.  I don't discriminate.   Aaaaaaanyway....i digress...

Intended D wasn't bothered by spending this time with the kids.   I wish I could figure out how to do this-- harness some peace without such feelings of inadequacy.  When I feel well and unaffected, I am able to separate out myself from others.  I am me, I have my struggles and issues, and so does everybody else.  I totally get that.  But the 2ww isn't a great time to feel well.... The concept of pregnancy is so unthinkable to me.  For me it's as unimaginable and unlikely a human function as having a penis.  Parenthood in general feels this way, not just pregnancy.  And yet this is something that everybody else takes for granted.    What do I feel inadequate about?  Inadequate as a woman.