Dreary days

It's weird today. IM and I are both feeling very blah--she especially--and it's rainy and dreary. Life goes on around us regardless if we feel like we are standing still and our emotions are so unstable it's ridiculous. The perturbations pushing us out of equilibrium these days is a bunch of friends/infertility-buddies getting pregnant and/or having babies. IM's good friend (a real big sister/little sister relationship--IMs the big sister) gave birth a day or so ago---meanwhile two infertility buddies are now pregnant,....there's more but why belabor the point. The point I'm trying to make here is to illustrate the instability of our emotions. I was having a good day at work and feeling positive, almost optimistic, and in a good mood. When I got home, IM was messing about on Facebook, I ask what's up, and she reluctantly says "so-and-so is in labor" in a depressed tone. Well, there went my good spirits. How fucked up is that? That's good news not bad news. It's weird b/c it doesn't seem like I have any control whatsoever and the feelings are a whole mess of contradictions. I mean, what kind of a prick is unhappy for a friend that's having a baby? I hate that I can't be happy for people sometimes...but I can't. I know that I need to be honest with myself and I can't pretend.

So, a day or so has passed and IM is moping about the apartment trying to study. Then she asks me, through tears, if I ever regret marrying her or think about how my life would've been different had I married someone else--obviously she means fertility. What is there to say to that? Of course, I don't. On a practical level, if I was the type that had any potential for regretting a marriage or if our relationship wasn't as good as it is then after 5 years of infertility I don't think I would be still around. This particular hell wouldn've been all the excuse either one of us would've needed to pack our things and leave. The thing is, IM is so much more than her fertility and I wouldn't risk changing any aspect of her for fear that I would mess up something else. She's too close to perfect as it is!

I am lucky though b/c for whatever reason I seem to have developed a sort-of defense mechanism where I don't allow myself to regret stuff. I figure it's pointless to go back and rethink things b/c every subsequent decision was made based on the previous outcome so while it makes sense to think "I would change this if I could" you gotta think about where you are NOW and how unhappy you are NOW in order to change the past and potentially fuck everything up....and I'm no where near unhappy enough to risk where I am now. Does that make sense? (of course, it's all masturbation anyhow since we can't go back and change anything.) In fact, other than infertility...which is a source of serious unhappiness I admit...I love where I am. I have good job (not money wise but happiness and fulfillment wise), live in a cool place, and have a great marriage with a beautiful, smart, wonderful woman. There's no way I'd risk losing all of that for an easy baby :) I say "easy" because we will have a baby....through IVF, donor eggs, adoption,....somehow, someday, we'll have a baby and be parents. That's the whole idea behind our screen names. We intend to be a mommy and daddy.