I'll take one miracle please...

I honestly don't know why I am writing anything today. I have nothing to say that is different from what I've said before or is in any way constructive. I am just soooo depressed. Things seem completely insurmountable and horrible. I cannot snap out of it. IM is feeling the same.

We are moving on to the next step...obviously since we've failed at every single thing we've tried. Adoption. "Hey, you can always adopt!" "Hey, have you thought of adoption?" Yes and yes...I have heard of adoption before, like all other sentient human beings!!! and yes, in a way, one can always adopt. HOWEVER, it is entirely more non-trivial then just about anybody realizes. It is no surprise to me that some couples opt for yet another IVF cycle. At least that is a known...you know what it costs...how long it takes...what it entails....the emotions that will come with it. By now, we are pros at IVF cycles. Not that they are easy but we know what we are doing. But, what is the point of another? The writing is on the wall--it's been on the wall for a year. It's just never gonna work for us. I have just as much confidence in IM becoming pregnant naturally through a miracle or immaculate conception as I do in an IVF (natural or donor) cycle working. That as, I have almost zero confidence in both. I feel like I'm locked in a room and there is no way out. There are a few doors but they are locked and I don't seem to have any keys and, in fact, I'm not even sure if keys are what I would need to open them at all or even if they are actually real doors and not just mirages of doors. There are no windows and no way to communicate with anybody outside. The only way out of this room is via some sort of miracle. Where is our miracle?!?!
Without a miracle I don't see any way out of this place.

So...adoption? How's that sound? Well, our situation is slightly unique (only slightly) in that we are not a "typical" white couple or a typical black couple or a typical hispanic couple...ok...we're an interracial couple and finding a child that "matches" us is seems pretty much impossible without a miracle. (Of course, what does "match" me and is that a ridiculous concept to even think about? Probably.) International adoption has become completely absurd in that it takes nearly 2 years from the beginning to finally having a baby, and it is almost not even a baby since, at the youngest, it will be nearly 2 years old. Anyway, all of our concerns are surmountable I know. It is just a matter of thinking them through and tackling each of the so-called issues one at a time and most likely determining that they are not really issues at all.

After all, we've gone through this process before. First it was dealing with the prospect of seeing a Dr about fertility. Then it was actually getting tested--sperm test, ultrasound, blood test, etc. Then it was actual treatment--actually seeking out help to do something that is supposed to be done naturally...something that is supposed to be magical and wonderful. We didn't know it at the time but it was THEN, 5 years ago, that the dream died. It just wasn't obvious at that point. It seemed the dream was salvageable. (I don't mean to sound horrible and cynical and negative, I'm just begin realistic and pragmatic....my life, fertility-wise, is all too real.) Then it was the whole process of going from simple, relatively inexpensive treatments to the big daddy; IVF. Then it was donor eggs. Now it is adoption.

I'm just fucking exhausted. I need a miracle....oh I'm too realistic...I "want" a miracle but I "know" they don't exist. Please, can I have a miracle anyway?

Trying to keep my head up

I am feeling so sorry for myself today. I've been on the verge of tears all day and my boss even asked me if I was OK. Which somehow made me feel worse and I almost broke down right there on the spot. I'd like to blame it on hormones but it's not. It's just this. This whole experience.

I found out two of my colleagues from my last place of employment (whom I still work with from time to time) are both pregnant. For one, it's her second. For the other, it's her first and she's only been married for about 6 months. And of course I am thanking my lucky stars that I don't work with them anymore. Because I know I could not have handled it one bit. I am a wreck at just the thought of them. The idea that this comes so easily to everybody else but me.

I spend some time on Friday night with an old friend who had a kid about 3 months ago. He knows our situation except for the donor component. He feels for us, I know he does. And yet he spent several hours talking to me about how his wife is depressed and feeling lonely, burdened with the new responsibility of being a mother, and how much work the baby is. Well boo hoo. It was a fine line because he obviously has this disconnect between talking about my situation and talking about his. I mean, he doesn't realize he's complaining. And realistically speaking, he's NOT. But of course, to me, he is complaining and it's almost unbearable at times. I finally told him I don't feel sorry for them. That was about it.

And I have had indications that another childhood friend is pregnant. If she's not, she will be soon. I know they are trying.

I think it's all just too much for me right now. I'm just so depressed. I wish I could go home and have a good cry. I need it.

Testing a new mantra

Well, the cycle failed. The inevitable question is "now what?" Adoption? That's most likely since we've just about run out of reasonable medical options when you factor in that IM is totally exhausted and demoralized by treatment. Unfortunately, adoption is not a particularly easy road to travel either. Such is life. Anyway, something occurred to me while thinking about all this stuff and I wrote the following email to IM:

"You know...for some reason today I'm feeling like wishing and hoping for us to have a baby through IVF or some miracle is equivalent to wishing you were taller. You know what I mean? What's the point? We are what we are."

Perhaps that will be new mantra. We are what we are. Is that any good?