IF News

Is a fertilized egg a human? Well, a new North Dakota state House measure says it is.

Maybe it's because tax time is looming but I say this is a GREAT idea! That way I could get tax breaks for all of my dependents. In fact, we could do a non-transfer cycle--just create as many fertilized eggs as we can and keep them frozen forever. That way I can claim a couple dozen dependents on my taxes every year . That's easily worth the few hundred bones needed to keep the embryos frozen. Not to mention, when the embryos get past 65 years old they should be able to start collecting their social security benefits. That's sure to come in handy down the line. So far, every time we've transfer an embryo it died and is of no use to anybody and certainly not a financial goldmine!

In other news, Nadya Suleman, evidently, had 6 embryos put back. (Oh yeah, that link is the Suleman octuplet wikipedia page!) Six! She's 33 AND she has a uterus. How is that responsible.

IF In The News

Slate.com has an article about infertility treatments and their lack of insurance coverage. Try to look past the stupid Slate title..."Pregnant Pause". Oh, they're just sooooo clever. (I have a MAJOR pet peeve with Slate's too-cool-for-school titles!) We have Nadya Suleman to thank for this article btw. (Incidentally, IM has informed me that the success "rates" in the Slate article are quite inflated and the best place to get numbers is from individual clinics and the Center for Disease Control ART numbers.)

Anyway, the main point is that full IVF insurance coverage is a GOOD idea! No shit. And once again, the damn Swedes have taken the lead! Yeah, Sweden! This brings me to the point where I encourage everybody going through any form of IF to become a member of RESOLVE. They are the National Infertility Association (why not NIA?...I like RESOLVE better anyway) and serve as our lobbyists and we NEED their help. They also have a relatively nice newsletter, organize conferences, help coordinate support groups, and organize lobbying efforts up on Capitol Hill in Washington DC. IM and I have participated in ALL of those god-damned activities since we've been doing this for so long....it was all worth it btw :)

I also put RESOLVE up on the "big board" on the left under the IF Links!

edit: btw, do NOT read the comments to the Slate.com article unless you are prepared. People are (1) insensitive, (2) unempathetic, (3) plain stupid, (4) fucking assholes,...you get the idea. I hate people and their effing opinions :) Oh, sweet irony.

Finally some good news...

Our donor just passed her screening! That's hugs news. Egg donors are put through a gammet of tests including a lot of bloodwork, several interviews, physical examination, and a psychiatric evaluation. This is our third donor. The first one failed her pre-screening examination which means at the young age of 21, she may have IF issues herself. (ouch). At the time we selected her, she was probably not an ideal choice because she had some physical characteristics that I had questioned but eventually felt comfortable with. Making the decision to use a donor was difficult, and I would say making the decision to use her as a donor was the most difficult of all-- because she was the first. That was the first big leap into the world of donors. We lost $500 bucks with her failing her tests because the agency wouldn't refund our money, and didn't have any other donors to choose from. We are using a donor agency because our clinic doesn't have many options for what we are looking for ethnically.

We moved onto a different agency and selected a second donor. The second donor looked more like me. Not identical, but good enough. But we had no information about her "intellect". No college admission scores, etc. But she had proven fertility which was a plus. Well, she didn't pass the silly FDA interview so that was the end of that option.

So this donor is our third selection but a really great choice. She lives locally which is phenomenal. We're both happy she appeared in the database. She showed up right as we were looking for donor #3. So we got first dibs at her. Features-wise I have learned I won't find the perfect donor. Something a therapist told us once left a lasting impression and changed my perspective: "No donor will be perfect because I won't be in the list". I am my own perfect donor. And I have already accepted that I probably can't make this happen on my own. So the best I can do is find somebody that has acceptable qualities, prioritize what's most important, and make a selection. Through the process of selecting a donor I have gotten to know my face better than I ever have. Which sound silly but it's true. We started looking at facial structure. Hair type...Cheeks.... Eyes-- too close together? too far apart? I could go into this in detail but maybe another day...
Anyway, we also had to prioritize how we saw different aspects:
Looks?
Intellect?
Proven fertility?
Age?
Personal medical history?
Family medical history?
Cost?
Characteristics/personality of donor?
It's just so absurd to have to make this kind of a decision about your future child's genes!!! When you really stop to think about it, it's so damn twisted.
I know some people who really believe the donor's personality matters. What her favorite color is. What her favorite food is... I don't know. This was an aspect that ID and I couldn't get on board with. The question of nature vs. nurture. We are both believers that both are important and cannot be ignored, but it turns out we both lean more heavily toward attributing personality traits to nurture. Or I believe if it is nature, I don't think it's always the nature of the genes of the donor per say. It could be the nature of the donor's brother! Or parent! I believe that assuming the personality of the donor will carry over to the personality of the child is not a given...
We probably initially screened depending upon the general "look" of the donor, and then prioritized medical history (something that has a serious nature component and is therefore not in our control...) followed by "intellect" (also has a partial nature component...). Seems so shallow to think about it. What is the best way to prioritize these?

A lot more could be written by me and ID about this topic. We philosophized about it for months! Especially because we had to keep re-evaluating things every time we selected another donor!

Well, for now we've got a donor and I'm so relieved about that. If all goes well we're looking at an early April retrieval. wow this is a long process...

A year of hell

Well, I was waiting to sit down and document what the last 6 years have been like leading up to this experience with donor eggs, but recent events force me to document my current feelings instead.  Which is amazing because I have a neurotic compulsion toward chronology... so the fact that I am writing out of turn should be an indication of how yucky I am feeling right now.

My husband (aka Intended Daddy or "ID") already mentioned that the infertility gods have been moderately fair to us over all these years.  I watched infertile friends talk about how their close friends were all getting pregnant around them...  This was devastating for them, absolutely crushing to see.  (It's so hard to feel left behind...).   This would come up in support groups, and I would think to myself: "If we don't have kids by the time our close friends start having kids I don't know what I'll do!!"  Although I still knew a lot of people that were having children around us, we were ahead of our close friends in wanting to have kids-- most of them weren't married yet, let alone trying to conceive (ttc).  So for those around me who were having kis,  for the most part, I came to terms with this.  I came to terms with not attending baby showers. Sending gifts is adequate.  I came to terms with not always having to go see a new baby, or making convenient excuses at work when some glowing new mother brought in her new bundle of joy for all to see...

But our core friends who have been with us the longest have been --for the most part--childless. Until recently.

Well we are entering an era I am not sure I am prepared for.  Many of my close childhood friends are all announcing pregnancies.  The first friend was several months ago, and somehow I felt it was more comical than anything else because she is so not the mothering type.  But now we have learned of two more first-time pregnancies.  And another friend is expecting her third. My only grace is that I don't live near any of them.  

But my good friend sent out an announcement -- one of those "I have loved you (fetus) since you were only a thought and now you'll be delivered to us" kinds of announcements.  What the hell do I do with this?  These friends know of our IF story, and have been so very loving and caring about it.  This is their special time and I wish I had it in me to be ecstatic for this little miracle..  And gush and tell them how completely elated I am for them.  And it's so difficult to do that. 

I would never, ever, ever wish what ID and I have been through over these years onto ANYBODY.  But how can I express to them that it's hard to be happy for this joy that I will never ever experience?

As ID has said, even if /when this donor cycle works, it will never be the same. Years ago, I used to day dream about how I would tell ID the news that we were going to have a baby.  It's too pathetic to even write down.  But we've had such a long list of procedures, drugs, exams, and financial waste that it's just never going to be the same.  

I describe it this way: This experience has wounded both of us and we will never be the same. On his bad days, ID believes he will never heal from those wounds, even when we have grown children.  Because he feels irreparably harmed by the struggles of IF.  On my good days (and even on my bad, I suppose) I try to believe that this wound will heal.  And when we are parents and we are able to see our experience with the lens of parents, we will see the wound has healed over and left a scar.  And I know that the scar will never disappear.  As all scars do, it will be something I carry but it won't hurt so much anymore.

But in the mean time, how am I going to get through this next year of blissful pregnancies, new babies, and the concurrent possibility of our donor cycle failing us?  

Great Odin's Raven!

There is something VERY wrong here. Nadya Suleman has a website asking for donations. I don't think it's funny. Instead, I find myself filled with hatred. I suppose I should be preparing myself for her f**king "reality show". Title? How about "13 was Nadya enough!"

A quick thought...

I was watching a movie the other day (in the interest of not being a spoiler I won't tell you what) and a character becomes pregnant. So what. The interesting thing for me is that I had a bit of a disconnect in relating to the character because she was taking it as a matter of absolute fact that eventually she would give birth to a healthy baby. That makes sense...she had two others previously. The reason I had a disconnect though is because it was hard for me to take that aspect for granted. Does that make sense? We've struggled so long with so little success that on the off chance that we are actually successful and IM gets knocked up I'm going to be a total wreck....especially for the first trimester. Until I see what looks like a human baby on an ultrasound I'm afraid that it won't feel real and I (we) will be waiting for "the other shoe to drop"--so to speak. Sometimes I can become so angry at infertility for doing this to us. For damaging our ability to hope and for ruining our ability to take certain things for granted.

Edit: This is an addition from IM...I've edited it slightly :)
I'd like to add to that: even AFTER we see a fetus, it's not like the stress would be any better. But on the other hand, I believe we would do our best to try to enjoy every little aspect of it because who knows when it would potentially be taken away. Last pregnancy, ID was painting the kitchen and I went to Barnes & Noble and came home with What to Expect When You Are Expecting? (yes i later tore it to shreds but that belongs in a different post...) At the time, I actually was full of anxiety wondering if it really was a good idea to have a kid. But I was mostly numb --not from waiting so long for it and finally getting it-- but because it just didn't seem real. 9 months is a long time. I want to appreciate every moment.

And now for something less emotional...

This is what I'm talking about! It was in my Washington Post this morning. I've always felt, as a scientist myself, that IVF and ART, in general, offer many research opportunities. Well, evidently, scientists in England have used IVF conceived babies (both natural and donor) to try answer the question of whether children of smoking mothers were more likely to develop behavioral problems. They looked at smoking mothers doing regular IVF and donor IVF and found that regular IVF babies (where the baby is genetically connected to the smoking mother) where more likely than donor IVF babies (where the baby is not genetically related to the mother) to manifest antisocial behavior. Both IVF and donor IVF babies, where, however, born with low birthweight...as expected. So, at the end of the day they concluded that "antisocial behavior was more common only in children who were genetically related to mothers who smoked, indicating that a genetic influence was at work."

This actually brings up an interesting concept that I might write about later on. An "upshot" of donor IVF is that many mothers feel that this is there chance to leave some perhaps unwanted genetic characteristics behind. Infertility provides the, usually unwanted, chance to think a lot about a lot of stuff. For example, do you really want to pass on your genetic predisposition to depression or heart disease or cancer to you child? Well, with donor IVF you don't have to! Silver linings!

Irony of non-ideality

In some ways IM and I have been sort of lucky.

While IM's sister has two kids over 8 and my brother has two kids under 5 most of our friends have not really started to have kids yet. Being in our early 30s, this is kind of abnormal although not as much these days as people are waiting longer and longer to have children. Speaking of times changing....our times are changing. This is because we now have many friends all having or having had kids over the last year or so. 4 of my co-workers have had kids in the past year and another one is expecting in a few months. Three of IM's friends are currently expecting and another has a 6 month old. These situations are always very hard for people in our situation and it's always difficult for IM to say she will NOT be attending the baby showers.

It is difficult to see other people successfully attaining our goal with such seeming ease. Not to mention, doing a donor cycle has that inherent "sting" to it, i.e., even if it works it is not ideal. I don't want that to sound too harsh but it's true and I think admitting that truth to oneself is important and liberating. This whole situation is not ideal. Ideally, IM and I would have maybe 2 kids by now and contemplating a third. That was our plan and for 90% (at least) of couples their plans are easily attained and often the plans aren't plans and children come as little surprises. It's all really tricky emotionally because having a baby through IVF or donor IVF would be a dream come true and referring to its success as not "ideal" seems a bit unfair to the child! But, you can't lie to yourself because it will always come back to you worse the second time around. Ultimately, becoming a parent is our goal. The thing is...we have had to consider, contemplate, come to terms with, grieve, ect., a whole mess of issues that a typical parent never has to think about. Consider how it feels to NOT pass our your genes. Consider having a child that is your genes but not your partner's. Consider a child that may or may not have any of your features and if they do it's a lucky coincidence. Consider answering the well meaning questions of friends--"where did her curly hair come from anyway?" It's all very interesting because one would think that IVF (especially non-donor egg IVF) "cures" infertility and I suppose in some sort of clinical sense it does. However, that is not how infertile couples feel. Even if our dreams come true and we end up as parents through donor IVF we are still an infertile couple. Our situation is not ideal and far from perfect. Imagine all the compromises and intrusions along the way. What if we want a second child (like most families)? Another trip to the Dr along with a $25,000 check and another trip to the donor agency with another $10,000 check. Anyway, what the hell was my point?....

Oh yeah. The point is that we have a good chance at a successful donor IVF. If we are successful IM would be due about a year from now and we and a few of our close friends would all have children within a year in age of each other. I have two cousins that are within a year of me and while we are not super close (due to geographical decisions made by--essentially my--parents) we have a certain "bond". THAT is the silver lining here--as pathetic as it may be--the irony of non-ideality. Most of the time people struggling with infertility end up finally having success at a later age, i.e., late 30s early 40s. And often their friends started their families in their late 20s as is typical. So, many infertile couples find that they are starting their families very "late" and find themselves the oldest mom and dad in the neighborhood or at parent-teacher conferences. Not that that makes any discernible difference in the grand scheme but it's just another non-ideal situation created by infertility. We, ironically, could end up dodging this particularly non-ideal "bullet". All because our friends were very slow to get married and have children and we were so slow having children! Funny.

This all depends, of course, on us having good luck. One quickly learns not to count your chickens before they hatch and with a donor cycle that is even more important of a mantra. MANY MANY things can still derail this whole thing. And, of course, the chance of great success comes with the chance of great failure. The prospect of this NOT working is something that scares the hell out of IM and me. Where the hell do we go from there? Adoption? Another $50,000? Certainly another compromise!

Just for the sake of completeness, IM=Intended Mommy and ID=Intended Daddy. Those are the terms in which WE are referred in all legal documentation in this god-forsaken process...well...not really mommy and daddy but intended mother, intended father, intended parents (ugh1 ugh2...) IPs, in other words. I'm wondering why the lawyers landed on "intended parents"? Is it because it's such a natural term that people use in their everyday life!?! Anyhoo....

Ok. It's been a long time since this blog was started and I have yet to write anything. I suppose one has to get in the "habit" of writing. To help myself get started I figured I would just write not-particularly-well-thought-out-stuff from time to time.

We are starting a donor cycle right about now. We went in for a mock-embryo transfer a day or so ago and everything was fine. Good news. Even though everything is very likely to be fine it's nice to have the hurdle safely behind us. We also spoke to the Dr, signed forms, and thought about how much money this will eventually cost. Yikes! Even though I'm quite used to all of this it still feels like an intrusion and causes me to feel down in the dumps afterwards (usually). Hence the subtitle of the blog: goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation. We've been at this for nearly 5-6 years (who's counting) and it's become so normalized that often I don't notice. However, from time to time things bubble to the surface and bite a bit. For example, we went to Benjamin Button (it's good) and a woman announces that she's pregnant (I won't be a spoiler). It has almost nothing to do with the movie and is NOT a major plot point or anything and I couldn't help my mind from wandering into that realm where I think "that will never happen to me". Pathetic, right? But, IM will never "surprise" me with the announcement that she is pregnant. We have left that part of life long ago. I'll never be surprised and she'll never get to surprise me. Instead, for the last 4 years or so, we have spent 4-5 hours, after IM gets her blood drawn for her pregnancy test after the dreaded two-week-wait, trying to stay busy so we don't think too much about the pregnancy test results. The habit has been to go to a movie and turn off IM's cell phone so that the clinic has to leave a message. Then we both listen to the message for, what feels like, the inevitable response saying "I'm sorry but your beta was negative and you are not pregnant....come in in a few days for a follow-up appointment...."....

The funny thing is that I almost, literally, cannot imagine a positive test result. I don't have any idea how I would react. This is particularly funny to me as I write this because I have actually experienced the experience above that I said I'd never experienced before. Did that make sense? Long ago when we first started down this road and after IM had some procedure...a D&C or something...she got pregnant and told me excitedly and showed me the positive home pregnancy test result! I spent the day in a hazy-fog wondering how to process it all. It was early on and I was not as prepared, ready, or impatient for a kid as I am today, but I was extremely excited. It also happened to be Father's day weekend. Nice touch, eh? My Dad and brother were there with my brother's 1 year old daughter. We were so excited b/c we had seen a fertility Dr already but hadn't been so beaten down by the process as we are now. We even told my parents and brother and sister-in-law...we were all together which is a slightly rare event. Anyway, IM got me a Father's day card and everything was so sweet and happy.

To cut to the chase, IM miscarried about 2.5 weeks later. (that's a whole other much more depressing post than this.) Lesson #1: you don't tell people you are expecting until you have seen the baby on an ultrasound, i.e., 2 months or so. Essentially, it was a chemical pregnancy. That's what it's called and it's not an entirely bad result but it's not super good either. Pathetically, we've held on to that minor result like the holy grail for the past 4 years. "Well, you've been pregnant before! That's a good sign. It can happen again, can't it?" Blah blah blah.

So, I guess I have experienced being told that I am going to be a father without a Dr or nurse or coordinator being involved, that is, the old fashioned way. Ironically, I've never been told by that cadre of experts that I'll be a father, because 4 years and IVFs later we have not had ANY luck to warrant such an announcement.