Facebook sucks

This blog is really a journal. I don't expect or care if anybody else reads it. Also, I'm hoping that someday I'll turn it into a screenplay and finally cash in on all the pain and suffering!!! So, it's probably best if nobody reads it so they don't steal our great and depressing stories. A guy can dream, right? :)

Ok, so what is new? Well, for one, facebook kind of sucks ass. My old girlfriend from high-school has reappeared out of the blue and found me on facebook. At first I thought "wow, she's still alive!" Then it became obvious why she had reappeared--so to speak. She was pregnant. She finally had something that she was proud of...something to say...some reason to reconnect with old friends. (At least that's what I suspect was her thought process...and coming from where I come from I think I can understand the feeling...it was very obvious in hindsight.) In a lot of ways, good for her. I'm happy for her. Things have not been particularly easy in her life so far and she deserves some good luck and happiness.

Of course, often stories like hers are the type that drive these fertility 'myths' b/c she told me that she was really surprised that she was pregnant "it was a shock" b/c she was told by the Dr (no doubt some total quack told her something that she wrongly interpreted) that she would never get pregnant. I'll bet dollars-to-donuts that the Dr told her she had endomytriosis and might have trouble getting pregnant and she interpreted that to mean she would NEVER get pregnant. Ultimately though, who cares. She has her miracle. So...her boyfriend accidentily got her pregnant. How sweet. I remember a million years ago when IM and I would get 'worried' from time to time when her period was a little late. Ha! Joke was on us b/c it just meant her cycles were all fucked up most likely...besides we were super careful. Good thing we were so careful, right?

This brings me back to facebook. Since old-girlfriend is my facebook-friend I get to see some updates about her pregnancy...some pictures blah blah blah...today I got to read how, although she is due in 4 weeks, she will probably deliver in 2. Fine. Good to hear. You can 'hide' people on facebook but I don't want her completely hidden. I also don't want to spoil her fun. I cannot, however, participate in her excitement....from a distance I hope and pray everything goes perfect...and she lives happily ever after.

Alright...I got nothing else today. I have the flu and am feeling pretty down and depressed. Such is life.

Ummm...what was I saying?

Yeah, well....what's going on? In an attempt to not drop this whole blog/journal completely and let it disappear I thought I would try to say something.

The last post was Dec. 14th or something like that which is about 3.5 months ago.

Since then we have done the following:
- went to an adoption support group
- went to an adoption open house
- visited a lawyer and put him on retainer (is that the right terminology?)
- considered private adoption and enlisted our marketing guru friend to help--although this hasn't really gone anywhere as of yet. It's a lot of work and a little overwhelming to even get going. It's sort of like looking for a needle in a haystack.
- wrote up a "Meet IM and IF" letter to prospective biological mothers--that was a pretty emasculating and humiliating experience...
- considered domestic agency adoption and thought about all the issues surrounding trans-racial, mixed-racial, blah blah blah adoption. We're already a mixed race couple so, well, who gives a shit right?
- considered international adoption
- received a check for $25,000 from our IVF clinic for our shared risk program :) So I guess there is an upshot to failure, but I would trade that money any day....besides it just gets invested into adoption.

Our good friend and 'mirror' couple has recently announced their pregnancy as well.

Emotionally? I don't know. Wrecked. Distracted. Work has been helpfully distracting both IM and me but I think we are both itching to get things going again. It's just really amazing when other parts of your life creep into the infertility part. You realize how different, and mostly impossible, your decision making strategy is due to the infertility. For example, moving to a different state because of a job opportunity is now horribly complicated. I guess at least we are not, and won't be, in the middle of a IVF cycle which would certainly prohibit moving and even traveling. Anyway, I talk to my father from time to time on life advice and what-not and he, being such a planner, is always trying to advise towards planning for the future. Is he kidding? He knows our story. It is just too hard to understand I guess. We had plans. 6 years ago we had plans and children were a BIG part of those plans. Things change. IVF is very hard, but possible, to plan. Adoption is pretty much IMPOSSIBLE to plan...impossible in the "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" type of questions. "Well, 5 years ago I didn't see myself here, so well, who fucking knows!?!?"

Well, that's about all I got right now...I'm feeling a bit numb about the whole thing. On the other hand I no longer really fantasize about IM being pregnant and us having a baby. I fantasize about our adopted baby--whoever he/she may be. I guess that is progress. It can just be pretty lonely out here. Not many people can understand how we feel and empathize in any meaningful way. That can be a very lonely feeling.