So again another interesting exchange with staff at my RE’s office left me thinking that not enough training goes on for the support staff. If you read my post about the phlebotomist from hell, you know what I’m talking about. But she’s not support staff. She’s direct patient contact. So was today’s faux pas. She was the person who checks the patients out at the end of the visit, the person who you pay and who schedules the next appointment if necessary.
We were talking about MJ’s funeral, which is of course all over the news and my RE’s office has CNN streaming into the waiting area at all times, so it’s ALL MJ all the time. There was talk of the dermatologist who was his doctor, and apparently (according to the check-out woman) the sperm donor for his children. Don’t know if that’s true, but if it is, you heard it here first!!!
So the check out lady continues by saying that she doesn’t know if people are talking about it yet, but you know when they do, “it’ll be all about how this guy’s the kids’ dad, not MJ”...
As I am sitting here writing this, I believe it sounds like perhaps she was saying “other people” will be saying it’s the doctor’s kids... As if she knows proper donor lingo and that it’s NOT the doctor’s kids, it’s MJ’s kids. BUT believe me. That’s not what she was saying. She was referring to MJ’s kids as the dermatologist’s children.
Oy.
I was a little stunned and wondered how far to take it. I didn’t have it in me to pursue. I just left the office with my head spinning. I suspect they already see me as—well who knows how they see me. The waiting room was empty, no other patients in there but me. But was it really up to me to have this conversation with them? I believe my complaints are now going to come in the form of complaining to the doctor, or perhaps writing a letter to the clinic. Listing their egregious offenses. Can’t decided if I’m hypersensitive. But ultimately I believe if there is one place that hypersensitivity needs to be acknowledged and allowed, it’s in an infertile woman’s safe place. Don’t you think?
So now we wait for the final (hopefully) blood draw results. Never hoped for a zero before. strange... isn't it?
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Recovering ... or trying to.
Ugh where to begin? Well first of all, my last beta was at 11. So I’m almost there. I am scheduled again in a couple days, and they are hoping to have it be 0 again. So it’s been almost 3 weeks and here we are. Amazing how long it takes for the beta to drop.
Also, we got the results from the blob back. So the doctor called me to talk about the “next step”. She called me several days ago to tell me that the blob didn’t show any “product of conception” in it so there was nothing to assess for karyotyping. But the testing may not have shown any ‘product’ simply because it was still so early.
So now, since I’m up to 2 miscarriages, I officially qualify for testing for clotting issues. It’s funny. Before we embarked on the donor cycles, I asked her what else could be done, what else could be tested, etc... at that time we were told “nothing else”. But add one more miscarriage to the list, and suddenly it has a red-flag next to it saying “test for x,y,z...” do these REs not know how to think on their own? Are they down to such an algorithm that they are not allowed to think outside of the box and say “well, this patient has only had 1 miscarriage but 5 failed cycles and she’s only 33.. blah blah blah... so perhaps we should consider a, b, or c. But no, only when a donor cycle fails TWICE that she decides something more should be done. Suddenly it's a "trend"...It’s so fucked up.
So now once my beta hits 0, I get to have some bloodwork done to test for thrombophilia (I think?)... She says everything else has been done but that. Also, she mentioned perhaps doing another sonohystogram to check my uterus and do another mock embryo transfer...I asked about whether it’s worthwhile to check my uterus for other problems, and then the discussion of a hysteroscopy came up. The benefits of a hysteroscopy is that it’s more sensitive (obviously since there is actually a scope looking at the inside of the uterus!) than a sonohystogram. So we discussed this, and at first I was more than a little wary of having another procedure. The last time I had a hysteroscopy it turned into a laparoscopy because he couldn’t get through my cervix or had some trouble... so he had to cut into my belly. They fill you full of gas, and it’s pretty painful. It’s a tough recovery for the first couple days, I thought I was going to die from the stabbing pain!!!
But apparently they would do it right in the office, under twilight anesthesia, and there is no risk of doing a lap because they don’t have the facilities for it. She felt pretty confident she could navigate my cervix again, and not puncture anything (yikes!)... And the best part is that through the course of the procedure, she would dilate my cervix. So the next embryo transfer might not be so heinous. I also asked her why the last 2 transfers have been so difficult.. what could have changed in my cervix to cause it to be so closed up? Of course we have no answers for that.
So as soon as I get my bloodwork back with a 0 beta, I can get the clotting testing started. That will take a couple weeks. In the mean time, with my next period, I can start on BCPs (what’s the fucking point of that? As if my body is actually going to get pregnant.. I mean – to quote Gob Bluth- “C’mon!”)... While on BCPs they can do the procedure, and then do the FET the month after that since I’ll be on the pill already...
Anyway, that’s a possible next step before we move on to the final embryo. I am not really in any hurry to do this. I am not in any hurry to do anything. My body is still in a state of flux, and although I’m not spotting or anything, I can tell things aren’t normal. I need a few months to just recover. My butt is still painful and numb from the IM shots, my brain is still jelly and my heart is still broken.
It’s so painful to think about, I think I am just trying to move one day at a time. I am in a mode of feeling and believing that there is nothing to be gained from allowing myself to hurt too much. This was such a terrible experience, I just want to get past it and move forward. Intended D subconsciously (and sometimes not so subconsciously) blames me for being so negative. As if I am the reason it didn’t work. We are definitely a yin and yang – you have to remember this is the same man who, for the first 2 years of ttc, kept deciding our problem wasn’t infertility, but that it must be random that EVERYBODY else out there gets pregnant in the first few months, the first YEAR at the most...and that we should just wait it out...
and of course his reply would be that I was ready to adopt after the first 6 months of failure. Yes, we are opposites.
At this point, I’m being practical. I am the type who doesn’t go back for more pain. It’s not like I was negative during the cycle. It’s that at the end of the day, my eyes are on the goal of having a little one in our home.
I believe that when we get to that point, we’ll be OK. It’s like when we had our brief encounter with a pregnancy and neither Intended D nor I were feeling remorse, regret, or disappointment over having used donor eggs. Instead it was elation and excitement and relief. My having agreed to use donors was a leap of faith that when it’s all said and done, we’d be happy. That’s what everybody always told us. So what choice did I have but to believe those who came before me? Well isn’t this the same thing? Adoption was not our first choice, nor was donors. But at the end of the day, what is our goal?
Anyway, I’m worried that I am not dealing with things that well but I don’t know how else to handle it. Thinking about my friends who are having children, either naturally or through their own miracles, has just been a reminder of our failure. Even my IF friends are mostly having children now. I am the last woman standing. I think it’s tough because nobody we know has done the adoption route yet. So it just feels so strange. I can’t bear to think about it all or I just want to break down and cry.
Also, we got the results from the blob back. So the doctor called me to talk about the “next step”. She called me several days ago to tell me that the blob didn’t show any “product of conception” in it so there was nothing to assess for karyotyping. But the testing may not have shown any ‘product’ simply because it was still so early.
So now, since I’m up to 2 miscarriages, I officially qualify for testing for clotting issues. It’s funny. Before we embarked on the donor cycles, I asked her what else could be done, what else could be tested, etc... at that time we were told “nothing else”. But add one more miscarriage to the list, and suddenly it has a red-flag next to it saying “test for x,y,z...” do these REs not know how to think on their own? Are they down to such an algorithm that they are not allowed to think outside of the box and say “well, this patient has only had 1 miscarriage but 5 failed cycles and she’s only 33.. blah blah blah... so perhaps we should consider a, b, or c. But no, only when a donor cycle fails TWICE that she decides something more should be done. Suddenly it's a "trend"...It’s so fucked up.
So now once my beta hits 0, I get to have some bloodwork done to test for thrombophilia (I think?)... She says everything else has been done but that. Also, she mentioned perhaps doing another sonohystogram to check my uterus and do another mock embryo transfer...I asked about whether it’s worthwhile to check my uterus for other problems, and then the discussion of a hysteroscopy came up. The benefits of a hysteroscopy is that it’s more sensitive (obviously since there is actually a scope looking at the inside of the uterus!) than a sonohystogram. So we discussed this, and at first I was more than a little wary of having another procedure. The last time I had a hysteroscopy it turned into a laparoscopy because he couldn’t get through my cervix or had some trouble... so he had to cut into my belly. They fill you full of gas, and it’s pretty painful. It’s a tough recovery for the first couple days, I thought I was going to die from the stabbing pain!!!
But apparently they would do it right in the office, under twilight anesthesia, and there is no risk of doing a lap because they don’t have the facilities for it. She felt pretty confident she could navigate my cervix again, and not puncture anything (yikes!)... And the best part is that through the course of the procedure, she would dilate my cervix. So the next embryo transfer might not be so heinous. I also asked her why the last 2 transfers have been so difficult.. what could have changed in my cervix to cause it to be so closed up? Of course we have no answers for that.
So as soon as I get my bloodwork back with a 0 beta, I can get the clotting testing started. That will take a couple weeks. In the mean time, with my next period, I can start on BCPs (what’s the fucking point of that? As if my body is actually going to get pregnant.. I mean – to quote Gob Bluth- “C’mon!”)... While on BCPs they can do the procedure, and then do the FET the month after that since I’ll be on the pill already...
Anyway, that’s a possible next step before we move on to the final embryo. I am not really in any hurry to do this. I am not in any hurry to do anything. My body is still in a state of flux, and although I’m not spotting or anything, I can tell things aren’t normal. I need a few months to just recover. My butt is still painful and numb from the IM shots, my brain is still jelly and my heart is still broken.
It’s so painful to think about, I think I am just trying to move one day at a time. I am in a mode of feeling and believing that there is nothing to be gained from allowing myself to hurt too much. This was such a terrible experience, I just want to get past it and move forward. Intended D subconsciously (and sometimes not so subconsciously) blames me for being so negative. As if I am the reason it didn’t work. We are definitely a yin and yang – you have to remember this is the same man who, for the first 2 years of ttc, kept deciding our problem wasn’t infertility, but that it must be random that EVERYBODY else out there gets pregnant in the first few months, the first YEAR at the most...and that we should just wait it out...
and of course his reply would be that I was ready to adopt after the first 6 months of failure. Yes, we are opposites.
At this point, I’m being practical. I am the type who doesn’t go back for more pain. It’s not like I was negative during the cycle. It’s that at the end of the day, my eyes are on the goal of having a little one in our home.
I believe that when we get to that point, we’ll be OK. It’s like when we had our brief encounter with a pregnancy and neither Intended D nor I were feeling remorse, regret, or disappointment over having used donor eggs. Instead it was elation and excitement and relief. My having agreed to use donors was a leap of faith that when it’s all said and done, we’d be happy. That’s what everybody always told us. So what choice did I have but to believe those who came before me? Well isn’t this the same thing? Adoption was not our first choice, nor was donors. But at the end of the day, what is our goal?
Anyway, I’m worried that I am not dealing with things that well but I don’t know how else to handle it. Thinking about my friends who are having children, either naturally or through their own miracles, has just been a reminder of our failure. Even my IF friends are mostly having children now. I am the last woman standing. I think it’s tough because nobody we know has done the adoption route yet. So it just feels so strange. I can’t bear to think about it all or I just want to break down and cry.
Monday, July 6, 2009
I'm losing it...
I'm having a really hard time. I just finished reading Harry Potter (book 6) in preparation for the movie :) and was struck by a passage towards the end (no spoilers so don't worry) between Dumbledore and Harry. Harry was worried about the similarities between himself and he-who-must-not-be-named considering their biographies, among other things, are similar. Dumbledore remarked that a main difference is that Harry had not allowed himself to be consumed and taken over by hate and that, considering the life he had lived and all he had been through, was quite remarkable. This passage from a children's book struck me because I feel that I am falling victim to hate similar to Voldemort!
I can't get over this miscarriage and the unfairness and unjustness of it all. I have no hope left, no love. It is all just too unfair. We deserve more than this and I can't seem to snap out of it. I understand that, in the grand scheme, infertility is something that can be "dealt" with--so to speak, i.e., it's not HIV, it's not cancer, it's not life threatening. I get all of that and more, it's just I can't stop feeling sorry for myself. It's terrible. As I've blogged about before we have friends that are expecting babies or have had them very recently and I absolutely cannot be happy for them. I just can't right now and it makes me feel completely horrible! I had a flash of panic thinking about the "what if" of my brother and his wife getting pregnant and having another baby (the third). I panicked because I don't know how I would react. The mere thought of it happening makes me sick. This is what infertility can do to a person. The inconveniences, the intrusions, the procedures, the money, the shattered hopes and dreams are all things I've been dealing with, in my opinion, rather well. But this new one...this loss of love and ability to be happy for others and this self-centered pathetic feeling of sorrow for myself, I cannot shake and I feel terrible. I am continually challenging the powers that be (but probably aren't) to make things right. This is too unfair and unjust to stand. IM and I have sacrificed soooo much...tooo much...to have a little success. IVF with donor eggs is not a miracle (although it is if you think hard about it). I'm not asking for a miracle here....I'm just asking for a chance to be able to fulfill a shadow of our dream when we got married: to have kids and a family.
Another thing I've had the wonderful opportunity to learn through this infertility journey is how couples that have experienced a tragedy break up. Whenever I heard of these couples that lost a child to a murder or accident and then eventually got divorced I was always amazed at how something that should have brought them together actually pushed them apart. I get that now. It has nothing to do with a lack of love between each other or of blaming the other for the tragedy (that's what I used to think) or whatever. Instead, I think it is a matter of having no other way to move on. It's just very difficult to move on WITH that person. I'm not suggesting that IM and I are having troubles...we're not. But I can understand the feeling. When IM and I got married we always always always imagined having a family. It was a given and something both of us were looking forward to when the time was right. To have the dream severely altered or taken away entirely is a pretty tough thing to confront and "moving on" is difficult. To start a family was "our" dream...together...it makes no sense without the other.
I can't get over this miscarriage and the unfairness and unjustness of it all. I have no hope left, no love. It is all just too unfair. We deserve more than this and I can't seem to snap out of it. I understand that, in the grand scheme, infertility is something that can be "dealt" with--so to speak, i.e., it's not HIV, it's not cancer, it's not life threatening. I get all of that and more, it's just I can't stop feeling sorry for myself. It's terrible. As I've blogged about before we have friends that are expecting babies or have had them very recently and I absolutely cannot be happy for them. I just can't right now and it makes me feel completely horrible! I had a flash of panic thinking about the "what if" of my brother and his wife getting pregnant and having another baby (the third). I panicked because I don't know how I would react. The mere thought of it happening makes me sick. This is what infertility can do to a person. The inconveniences, the intrusions, the procedures, the money, the shattered hopes and dreams are all things I've been dealing with, in my opinion, rather well. But this new one...this loss of love and ability to be happy for others and this self-centered pathetic feeling of sorrow for myself, I cannot shake and I feel terrible. I am continually challenging the powers that be (but probably aren't) to make things right. This is too unfair and unjust to stand. IM and I have sacrificed soooo much...tooo much...to have a little success. IVF with donor eggs is not a miracle (although it is if you think hard about it). I'm not asking for a miracle here....I'm just asking for a chance to be able to fulfill a shadow of our dream when we got married: to have kids and a family.
Another thing I've had the wonderful opportunity to learn through this infertility journey is how couples that have experienced a tragedy break up. Whenever I heard of these couples that lost a child to a murder or accident and then eventually got divorced I was always amazed at how something that should have brought them together actually pushed them apart. I get that now. It has nothing to do with a lack of love between each other or of blaming the other for the tragedy (that's what I used to think) or whatever. Instead, I think it is a matter of having no other way to move on. It's just very difficult to move on WITH that person. I'm not suggesting that IM and I are having troubles...we're not. But I can understand the feeling. When IM and I got married we always always always imagined having a family. It was a given and something both of us were looking forward to when the time was right. To have the dream severely altered or taken away entirely is a pretty tough thing to confront and "moving on" is difficult. To start a family was "our" dream...together...it makes no sense without the other.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Distractions and unintentional insensitivity
This may not deserve a post in itself but I figured "why not?"
Last year, a few coworkers and I had what we would call a good year. This year hasn't been nearly as successful for the both of us. While discussing this in a matter of fact sort of way and trying to think of excuses for ourselves my friend said very jokingly "Jimbo (not his real name) and I have brand new little babies at home, what's your excuse?" Hahaha :( I had no response to give him but what I was thinking was "Well, I suppose my excuse would be continued frustration of infertility, failed treatments, loss of financial stability directly caused by infertility, and a miscarriage--which happens to be happening right now! Not only babies are a distraction you know, a lack of baby is a pretty big distraction too."
He was joking and doesn't really know our situation (especially the miscarriage) so...whatever. In truth, if there was a time to let this particular friend know about the pain we are going through right now that probably would've been a good time but, oh well, the moment passed. The last thing I'm in the mood for lately is reliving it all and trying to explain the situation.
But...it got me thinking a lot about how much of a distraction infertility can be. It's so funny because I catch myself thinking very often that if only we could be successful and IM was either pregnant or we had a little baby I could settle down and really dedicate myself to and, mostly, CONCENTRATE on work. Of course, that sounds crazy to a person with a baby because kids are a huge distraction and a LOT of work. Be that as it may, the effects of infertility on the rest of your life is very easy to underestimate because it sits there hidden and isn't obvious to outsiders or even yourself sometimes. It's similar to a chronic debilitating illness in that way. It's just so frustrating because so many other things take a back seat to this desire to have a baby and start a family--so many other things just seem trivial and it's hard to motivate myself to do things whose outcomes are so far down my list of desires. Make sense? A baby is by far the most important thing to me right now and second place is so far down the list it's like everything else is just tied for second since I have almost no interest in them. A success at work? A dream job (promotion)? Yeah, that'd be nice and I definitely want those things and am striving for them. But I'd trade them all for a baby. No question.
Last year, a few coworkers and I had what we would call a good year. This year hasn't been nearly as successful for the both of us. While discussing this in a matter of fact sort of way and trying to think of excuses for ourselves my friend said very jokingly "Jimbo (not his real name) and I have brand new little babies at home, what's your excuse?" Hahaha :( I had no response to give him but what I was thinking was "Well, I suppose my excuse would be continued frustration of infertility, failed treatments, loss of financial stability directly caused by infertility, and a miscarriage--which happens to be happening right now! Not only babies are a distraction you know, a lack of baby is a pretty big distraction too."
He was joking and doesn't really know our situation (especially the miscarriage) so...whatever. In truth, if there was a time to let this particular friend know about the pain we are going through right now that probably would've been a good time but, oh well, the moment passed. The last thing I'm in the mood for lately is reliving it all and trying to explain the situation.
But...it got me thinking a lot about how much of a distraction infertility can be. It's so funny because I catch myself thinking very often that if only we could be successful and IM was either pregnant or we had a little baby I could settle down and really dedicate myself to and, mostly, CONCENTRATE on work. Of course, that sounds crazy to a person with a baby because kids are a huge distraction and a LOT of work. Be that as it may, the effects of infertility on the rest of your life is very easy to underestimate because it sits there hidden and isn't obvious to outsiders or even yourself sometimes. It's similar to a chronic debilitating illness in that way. It's just so frustrating because so many other things take a back seat to this desire to have a baby and start a family--so many other things just seem trivial and it's hard to motivate myself to do things whose outcomes are so far down my list of desires. Make sense? A baby is by far the most important thing to me right now and second place is so far down the list it's like everything else is just tied for second since I have almost no interest in them. A success at work? A dream job (promotion)? Yeah, that'd be nice and I definitely want those things and am striving for them. But I'd trade them all for a baby. No question.
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