Of course it was...

IM took a home-pregnancy test last night when we got home from our trip. Of course, it was negative. Of course it was. It seemed completely inevitable. After all, I actually went on the trip with her so I could administer her shots and all that jazz. $380 and 3 days off work so that I could give her a painful shot every morning while the embryo inside her most likely was already dead. The official pregnancy (beta) test is Tuesday but, really, what's the point? I know, really without any doubt, that miracles simply do not exist--I have never experienced one, so, what's the point of a pregnancy test on Tuesday.

Even having been through this many times before it is always devastating. I laid on the couch for about an hour and then went to the store to get beer and wine so that I could get drunk. Honestly. That lame, drink your sorrows away, type of drunk. The kind where the sorrows don't really go away at all.

IM keeps saying this is like some sort of cruel joke. We have sacrificed so much and compromised so much and given up so much and been through so much. Enough already.

This has been an impossibly hard year and I'm completely exhausted and beaten.

Right now I'm sitting in a hotel room trying to work while IM is going to a conference at the hotel. You see, I came with her on this business trip so that I could give her shots in the mornings since we are still in the 2WW and she has to have delestrogen (every third day) and progesterone-in-oil (every day). So...about $300 to make her life a lot easier. She's not the type that can give herself shots. These are hard-core intermuscular shots with big needles, so I don't blame her. At first she thought maybe there would be a clinic close by she could go to and have them give the shot. Ugh. Considering the amount of $$$ already spent in this process, $300 is not too big a deal so I came with her. Luckily, my job allows this kind of thing. But it really does provide a good example of how much work it is and how inconvenient going through fertility treatment is.

We have a pregnancy test for Tues and IM will most likely take a home-test on Sunday when we get home.

I'm feeling really down about this cycle and really negative. I don't know why. It just feels pretty hopeless right now and it seems like it cannot possibly work. But...I don't know anything and there is obviously still a chance. The transfer went pretty close to perfect...no...it was perfect. The embryo thawed out almost perfectly with 95% cells intact and growing. That's all good news.

Anyway, the hotel is actually really nice, I've been running every morning, and I have been able to see some family that we have that lives here...so all in all it's not so bad.

Let's just hope IM is pregnant. Then all of this, and all the BS we have been through, will have been worth it.

Breathing...

Waiting, waiting, waiting. To quote my mother-in-law "breathe innnnnn, breath oooouuuuttt". I wonder how our little Mr. Bubbles is doing? I suppose we will find out soon enough.

Embryo transferred

Well the little guy thawed out just fine as it turns out. The doctor said we had 95% of the original cells which is great great great. So we made it thru the first hurdle. We were both fearful that it wouldn't thaw and this would all be in vain.

The transfer today was smooth, partly because of the dilation of my cervix last month before the cycle started. My RE was the one who did the transfer which was wonderful because she knows my crazy roller coaster of a cervix anyway. But it went smoothly.

So now we have the 2ww ahead of us. The clinic gave us a picture of our little embryo-- this is the first time they provided this. Our previous clinic used to give us a chance to see our embies under the microscope which was super cool. But today we got a picture which was exciting. We are calling the embie mr. bubbles for now. It may evolve. I wanted to call him mr. blob but that was just too ugly.

So now we wait. Intended D has already been doting on me and i love him for everything.

Wish us luck...

Today's the day. We have the FET today--frozen embryo transfer. A lot of things have to go right today. The embryo has to survive the thawing process just like Austin Powers. I've been worried about this and full of anxiety for a few days now. We only have one embryo so really nothing bad can happen. So, wish us luck or say a prayer or whatever!

IM is got a bag of frozen peas on her butt right now and I have to go give her a shot. Lot's of fun around here!