The aftermath

Ok. Where to begin. Firstly, it didn't work. Why? Who knows? I suppose one can have the opinion that it sometimes doesn't work. In fact, according to statistics of other people like us going through procedures like this it only works about 60-70% of the time. There can be any number of reasons why a cycle works or doesn't and sometimes we just cannot know. The implantation part is particularly mysterious still today. Anyway, WE seem to be on the losing end of these statistics again and again so the statistics are starting to seem pretty meaningless to IM and I. In fact, everytime I see success rates of 60% (or something) I unwittingly consider our failure rate of 100%-60%=40%. Why are we always in that column?

So, here's how it plays out. IM takes a blood test early in the morning on the prescribed day (usually I go with but it's really uneventful and I skipped it this time). Then we get a phone call, usually early afternoon, with results. We've also learned not to answer it but instead listen to the message they leave instead. This time IM and I were at our respective jobs. They called her cell but she chose not to answer and they didn't leave a message....instead they left a message at our home. We had plans that night to take our minds off a negative result (as we figured it was since the home pregnancy test 2 days earlier was negative) and I was gonna meet IM there. But, there was potential beer drinking to be done and so IM wanted to confirm the negative so she could drink which meant I had to hurry home so we could listen to the message from the nurse together...it's super lame for either of us to do it alone. Well, it was negative. You can tell from the first word...not that we'd know since we've never heard a positive message. Such sorry and pity in their voice. I don't expect anything else. It's good bedside manner I suppose but still it's pretty hard to hear that pittying tone...."unfortunately, your test was negative...." Where was our miracle? Just one fucking time I'd like for us to be lucky. You know, get a negative (expired) home pregnancy test and be surprised by a positive blood test result. Why not? This kind of shit happens to people. My sister-in-law wins every fucking stupid raffle she signs up for....she won a fucking diamond once! A diamond!!!! And two beautiful kids too. No such luck for us. Even when all our ducks are in a row and everything is looking super positive we lose. Always.

Ok...enough....so then later in the day the Dr. calls. Now of course they try to think about or speculate what went wrong. They never have any fucking idea ever so the point of these conversations is usually unclear. Actually, it is to preliminarly map out what comes next (we have 3 frozen blastocysts still). But this time it was slightly weird. Our clinic has a on-call Dr rotation doing embyro transfers (that's probably not the right medical term but you get the idea) and the Dr we got kinda sucked. IM has a tricky little passage way through her cervix into the uterus and good Drs manage it perfectly. This Dr sucked. It hurt and IM had a lot of cramping. Then the Dr switched catheters blah blah blah and it worked, but not without a lot of pain for IM and cramping. Back to our conversation with regular Dr. Regular Dr indicates that having that kind of thing happen during a transfer (cramping presumably) can effect that outcome of the cycle and might be why it didn't work. WHAT THE FUCK!!! Really? So, the Dr might as well have just dropped the embyro on the floor? That fucking thing was a beautiful looking five-day blastocyst that essentually cost us ~$2000 and the donor to overstimulate and the on-call Dr fucks up the transfer. I almost, literally, cannot let myself think along these lines for too long b/c I just become furious! Well, we got a promise that the transfer for the frozens would be handled by our MAIN Dr or a pro, in the very least.

Good, right? No. Not good. The odds for frozen embryo transfers is about 30%/embyro compared to about 60%/embryo for a fresh embryo. Awesome! Our best chance has been official lost and maybe it was the Drs fault. So, this time we'll go with a two embryo transfer since the odds are shittier--hence the odds for twins or triplets is rather low (actually the twins odds are still 20% but the triplets are low). Great. Oh, yeah, and there's a 90% chance the embryo will survive the thawing process. But, to me, that big 10% is standing tall and proud and laughing at me.

Well, ala George Costanza's instincts, if our cycles fail miserably when the odds are in our favor then perhaps it will work if the odds are not in our favor. :)

This type of experience really kills the hope in a person. I unequivocably believe that miracles DO NOT happen! It is so hard to keep going and keep trying. The best attribute to have when going through IVF is be stupid and have a really short memory. That way you can blindly do cycle after cycle and eventually you get lucky. Luck? There's that word again...and I remember that I don't believe in luck. Not anymore.

It's official...

Negative. IM is crying. Me? I have no idea.

I give up.

We have learned throughout our many IVFs that getting a phone call midafternoon from the IVF clinic telling you that the beta (pregnancy test) is negative completely sucks. As such, we have started to try and soften the blow a bit--IM takes some home pregnancy tests (hpt) before our blood test with the clinic. That way...if it's positive we are excited (although that's never happened) and if it's negative (that's happened a lot) then we aren't completely devastated when we get the blood test results. In my mind it's always been a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" prospect anyway b/c a negative hpt is pretty devastating too. But, whatever, we've tried it both ways and it doesn't suck any worse one way or the other.

Well, our blood test is Friday and IM decided she wanted to take a hpt this morning (we had one lying around b/c we got a free package at a RESOLVE conference we went to a year or so ago--how's that for lame?...initially I hid it from her last night before I went to bed, which was at 3am since I couldn't sleep since I was dreading this hpt test I knew was coming this morning, but I relented....mostly I think I just didn't want to be "surprised" with her hpt result announcement unprepared). Anyway, as per the title of the post, Negative. One line. Of course. How could it be otherwise?

I have so many emotions swimming around in me right now. Unfortunately I was mean to IM which, needless to say, is the lamest thing I could've done. Our personalities are just different and she is forever the cynic that prepares for the worst and hopes for the best. I am a combo of the blind man and the optimist. Hope for the best and ignore the worst possibilities until they are upon me. I'm a bit like "Hans" Solo---"never tell me the odds." Anyway, I said something to effect that I feel like this negative is a self fulfilling prophesy since she expects it to be negative anyway. Not that I believe in any of that "The Secret" positive thinking bullshit---or religion for that matter but that is another post. You are or are not pregnant via science. Period. But it sucked pretty bad the way I said it and that I said it. Hopefully, she'll forgive me.

There are just so many emotions. Helplessness, frustration, anger, sadness, unfulfillment, discontentment,... This feeling and desire to have a baby is just so strong. I don't feel like it's possible to move on with my (our) life without it. I'm just not particularly interested in other things. I have little interest in anything besides this these days. I'm sleepwalking through my career right now b/c the baby situation is so distracting. It's just one of those situations that I don't feel I can move on to anything else until it is resolved. So, I'm completely unfulfilled and discontent. It's funny too b/c I like where I live, I love IM more than anything, my job is satisfying. In other words, OTHER than having a baby I really wouldn't change a thing and the things I would change I would almost feel greedy, you know? I could be skinnier, better looking, nicer apartment, better job, blah blah blah . The usual. I just don't really give a shit about any of that compared to starting a family. I can only vaguely remember that in my past life I cared about things like a new care, a new bike, a new computer, apartment, clothes. I have so little interest in material things these days....Evolution really did a number on us humans b/c this drive to have a family is so ridiculously strong we behave completely irrationally under it's spell!

The other bad feeling I have is I just feel completely alone. I said that to IM this morning and she echoed it by saying she feels left behind. Left behind somehow doesn't resonate with me and doesn't seem right but I'm sure it's a different angle to feeling alone. We have been leaving our families out of the fertility loop for a while now (we found it a bit easier to suffer disappointment alone) so they don't know. They suspect b/c they aren't idiots and know we're trying to have a baby....but they don't know specifics. It's just that with every disappointment I feel like I (and probably do) take a step away from everybody--family, friends, etc. I'm sure it's simply a desire to be alone....I don't know.

I hope I can get back on track. I have work to do, as usual, and perseverating about this won't make it better. Empathy and love are the only things a person needs in life and I hope to get some of it back pretty soon.

p.s. I suppose there is a chance IM's Friday test could be positive. Who knows? Hpts can be wrong, it could be too early, blah blah blah. We've just been down this road before and know where it goes.

What a difference sleep makes.

Weekends are difficult during the 2ww.  Today is 7 days post 5 day transfer (7dp5dt). At least at work, it's possible to have distractions when deadlines are approaching.  I'm a student, and working. (something I highly recommend when undergoing infertility treatment--keeping busy and becoming a student again has improved my sense of self-worth that infertility took away from me, and helped pull me out of the depression of treatment!!!-- but that's the subject of another post for another day..)  So between the job and homework, distractions have been great.  But this weekend is particularly difficult.  And nonetheless, somehow I'm not in the depths of despair today.  I had a good night's sleep, after two back to back nights of insomnia.  I think my exhaustion finally overwhelmed my anxiety.  I dreamt I started bleeding and the IVF didn't work.  So the anxiety reared its ugly head anyway.   Nonetheless, somehow I remain optimistic today.  ID isn't feeling too hot today however.  As long as we can remain out of phase with each other, hopefully we can keep each other sane.

Each day that we get closer to the beta will be more and more difficult.  ID and I are trying to decide when we'll start home pregnancy tests (HPTs).  Or as gals in the infertile world call it, peeing on a stick (POAS).  I think I need to be armed with information before we go in for our bloodwork.  But ID made a good point today.  As soon as we test, if the second line doesn't appear, my motivation and my tolerance for the shots may drop.  

(aside: I have hated hated hated the progesterone shots during previous cycles, to the extent that I started using the suppositories instead.  ID accidentally hit a nerve during our 2nd IVF a few years ago, and it was extremely painful and left me with an area on my butt that I literally couldn't feel for almost a year due to the nerve damage.  But this time the doctor really encouraged me to go back to the injections, so I had to dig deep and put myself into a happy place during this cycle.  It has been OK.  I think my anxiety fed into ID's anxiety and we psyched each other out in the past.  I hated the shots, and ID knew I hated them so he hated giving them to me.  But this time I have remained calm and positive, and ID has been a hero giving me the injections followed by a wonderful massage.)

So back to my motivation.  He's worried that if I test negative on a POAS test, my attitude may change and those shots are going to become a nightmare all over again because of the thought that we're doing it for nothing.  I know better though.  I'll keep doing them.  So I want to POAS on Tuesday, exactly two weeks post retrieval.  Too soon?  I don't know.

 

sleepless nights

It's almost 3:00 a.m. and I cannot sleep.  We are 5 days post 5 day transfer (closer to 6 days post 5 day transfer considering it's basically tomorrow!) and my brain is relentlessly busy.  A couple days ago every little cramp would cause me to feel lightly optimistic.  Right now, I wish I could channel that optimism.  I am so unsettled with the potential for success and what a failure would mean for my and ID's psyche. 

Earlier today I was looking at the daily/weekly embryo development chart for pregnancy. I was able to allow myself into the "yes, it could actually work" phase for a while and it felt so good.  "Why not us???" is something we have been repeating for days now.  And then a switch flipped and I was right back into the darkness of thinking "No, this whole world of having a child, having something actually work-- it's not something ID and I can have."  The idea of me being pregnant is just so far off.  It sounds cliche but I can't imagine having a life growing inside of my body.  And going through all the changes women go through. And allowing my darling husband to experience what he wants to experience.  It just doesn't seem realistic to even hope for it because it has become so intangible.  

I automatically went to plan E in my head when my thoughts turned negative again.  Adoption is our backup plan to donors. I began checking around for which countries are open and operational right now.  It's forever changing depending on many factors.  My first country of choice has got some issues right now, but Ethiopia has always been an option ID and I have considered.  So I am already preparing for plan E even though we have 3 frozen embies.  It's amazing.  I'm a planner by default but it's ridiculous.  

I'm totally anxious and can't sleep.  ID posted the fantastic "memorabilia" post and how we'll throw away the bracelet if I'm not pregnant this time.  Well, will we throw away this entire blog?  It could all become a painful memory of another failed attempt.  

I'd like to blame it on hormones, but I also think I am troubled with how at this point, the embryo either started the implantation process, or it didn't.  There's no middle ground.  It's not just hanging out in my uterus doing its own thing anymore.  It's either merged with the capillary beds in my uterus, and started developing further, or it's stopped dividing and is gone.  And there is no way to know for another several days.  It's so frustrating to have to continue with those daily injections and talking about the "what ifs" when there is an actual truth going on in my body and I cannot know what it is.  How unfair is that?

So rather than a sleepless night because of an uncomfortable pregnancy, a colicky baby, or a sick toddler, I'm dealing with an anxiety over this goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation. This 2ww is just too much.  I need to sleep!  

Waiting for two weeks sucks!

Holy cramping in my belly batman!

It's so hard to ignore all these little feelings, tinges, pinches, cramps...

I hope hope hope it's a good thing but I've had cramps in the past and they didn't mean anything so ...

I wish i could disconnect from my body for the next week.

Memorabilia

There's a photo of the "hospital" bracelet IM wore during the transfer. So, we made it! We ended up with a handful of 5-day blastocysts. That's a first for us! We've never gotten that far with embryos. Usually, they start to look not so hot as day-3 rolls around and we end up transferring some day-3 embies. 5-day blast is a good sign for sure. We couldn't have hoped for a better cycle...other than the fact that the donor slightly overstimmed although we think she is doing much better now. We decided to transfer only 1 blast and we were able to freeze 3 more....siblings perhaps :)


I took the blastocyst pic from here.

The reason for only transfering one is that the pregnancy rate from transferring 1 compared to 2 goes from about 60% to 70% but the rate of twins goes from 1.5% to 52%! Twins are certainly doable but not ideal. Hence, we played it very slightly conservatively but hopefully things will work out. Why not us, right? Why not? It can work for us! This donor cycle is a new game and we haven't failed at it yet...so we could be successful here! Is that optimism I smell? Not quite I suppose but it's about as close as we can get these days.

Anyway, the bracelet is memorabilia and will go in a baby-book IF there is a baby to warrant a book. We've ended up throwing these things away in the past. That's the thing about memorabilia. You only keep memorabilia if you want to remember something. We want to want to remember this!

By the way, we had Chinese take out at the best Chinese place in the world and around these parts that's saying something...Jasmine Garden. They, of course, give you a fortune cookie. Mine said something asinine, but IM's was off-the-hook in the weird department. It said "Cultures and customs of China attract you." Huh?

Big decisions, full bladder

We did the transfer and decided to transfer only one embryo.

We got to the clinic for the transfer and realized the risk of twins was 52% (we thought it was closer to 30%!!)--they have a little handy chart pegged to the wall with a thumbtack! Then, we had a doctor who really really really really pushed for one embryo transfer.

I totally emotionally broke down right there on the table while we were deciding. Totally weeping. I couldn't control myself. It just felt so damn frustrating to have to decide this. I still wanted to put back two, even though I knew it might not be a good decision. The doctor was pulling all the fear factor stories; you have a small frame, birth defects, mortality rates, blah blah blah. ID wanted to transfer one as soon as he saw the rates for twins. So I gave in. I am remorseful but I also know twins would be tough...and maybe dangerous for mother and children!   The statistics are not terrible, but complications do occur.  (and that doctor today definitely kept reminding us of that...)

And the transfer itself-- with a full bladder.  Well I was pretty unhappy.  Let's just leave it at that. 

I'm still hopeful, and I know it's better odds than anything we ever had on our own. We are even allowing ourselves to talk about having a baby around, something we haven't done in years--literally years.

We know for sure they froze 2 yesterday, and they said we may have a few more but they're waiting to see how they look...

So now the waiting begins... :)

Bizarre triangles

So, today was the day. The donor cycle is running its course and IM and I headed up to the clinic for me to give my sample. Meanwhile, donor is having eggs removed....hopefully. It's a bizarre thing that we are doing on many levels and interesting how we normalize it. This is our best chance to have a baby and we are taking it.

People in IF situations wonder when you are finally ready to go to donor eggs. Well, like everything else it isn't always clear but, in a way, I feel that it was inevitable. We have gone through multiple IUIs, IVFs (both fresh and frozen), and here we are. We haven't had really any luck. IM got pregnant naturally (and miscarried very early--seems like a lifetime ago) but that is the only "luck" we've had. At any rate, both IM and I felt after the last IVF (where we put back 3 embyros) that we would essentially NEVER be successful with normal IVF. So, why try again? Why go to some specialist? Which specialist? IM's infertility is "unexplained" but leans towards poor egg quality...which would mean donor eggs are the way to go. It just seems/seemed so daughting and pointless to go the "seek a specialist" route. I suppose the proof is in the pudding whether our decision to go donor was a good one (keep your fingers crossed universe!).

Anyhoo...the title of the post references the famous New Order song Bizarre Love Triangle and I'm not suggesting that using donor eggs is a "love" triangle but it is a triangle and it is bizarre. We both realize that. It really is a fascinating thing that we humans have figured out how to do. How one person can help another in this way. Amazing. I think the nicest way to think about this situation is in the "helping others" department. We have a problem. The donor is helping us solve it. That's it. There's nothing more weird or unnatural or other icky descriptor you want to put there. When you need help...you ask for it. Hopefully, some fellow human being can help you.

Incidently, I think the New Order song is about a man-woman-man triangle where one man is gay and in love with the other man....just an opinion :) Some say it's about drugs...sigh...New Order has songs about drugs but I don't think this is one!