absolutely no control whatever... sigh

I am so furious and frustrated and ... ugh.  I can't think of enough proper adjectives.  I feel so helpless.  Intended D has the opportunity to travel to Europe this summer, two different stints just a couple weeks apart for work.  So we decided -- hey, let's have the wife (me) come along since I haven't had a vacation in a long time.  Would be fun right?  Expensive, and hard to fit into our schedules right now but it's hard to pass it up when his expenses are already paid. Time to live spontaneously.  I've been trying to break out of the mold and this is a good time to go.  IF by some one in a million shot I'm pregnant, wouldn't this be a nice way to have a vacation before life changes forever?  And if it's negative, well obviously this gives me something to look forward to on the horizon to get me through this...

Well travel needs to be booked ASAP because Intended D is supposed to leave incredibly soon. We finally looked seriously at tickets, hotels, etc.  And he said "should we ask the doctor if it's OK for you to travel ...just in case?"... to which I replied "Why would we have to ask... pregnant women travel all the time... but OK I'll send the nurse an email."

Well the nurse replied telling me that she forwarded my email to our RE and to not make any travel plans until we've heard from the doctor... she's guessing it's going to be a problem.  WTF???

So let's assess the situation.  I have been powerless to becoming pregnant for, oh, like 6 years now.  So we all agree that I've already got a pretty low level of control to start with.  And here I am trying to plan a vacation so if this cycle fails (which has a 70% likelihood) then I can have at least something to look forward to.  WELL, the small chance in hell that I am going to be determined to be pregnant next week is going to hold me back from being able to plan a trip to Italy, because timing is becoming an issue and we need to book our tickets ASAP so we don't get raped with the costs of the travel.  If we wait until the results of the cycle next week, we'll have to likely pay a lot more if I go along.  This is a trip we can't really afford as it is, so obviously if the costs increase a lot, it's prohibitive.  I feel like I have no options and I am tired of it.  Today i was just thinking that once we've exhausted our donor embryos (we have one frozen left...) if we don't act on any subsequent treatment, nothing would happen.  We would most likely never have a child.  We have to actively actively actively seek out help or this is it.  This is our life.  

I am feeling so confined right now, so powerless, so fucked.