What happened to movin' on?

ID already posted an entry about the upcoming FET. The transfer date is set for our 8th wedding anniversary. I am not a believer (in anything) anymore, or I would make a big deal out of that. It's just another day. It's a special day, don't get me wrong. But it's not an auspicious day. Hell, our last transfer was on Easter for god's sake, the most fertile of pagan holidays! If I can't get myself knocked up on Easter, why would my anniversary have a chance?

You know what's hard? This donor cycle was supposed to be the one-shot chance. The "sign up for shared risk-- try it once-- plan on fantastic odds--and if it doesn't work, get our money back --and finally move on to a sure thing (adoption)" type of cycle. And right after we found out it didn't work, that's exactly how I felt. But after the acute emotions passed, now we are in a situation where I can't imagine moving on yet.

For the last few years, i've been sooooooo ready to be done with IVF. We are now in year 6 of infertility. It's been a long road. I had accepted not carrying a pregnancy, dealing with the complications that arise with an adopted child questioning the "why was I given up by my birth parents" types of questions, and had even accepted the idea that our child might not look like us. I am what some call "ethnic"--meaning brown-- which means adopting from my motherland would be ideal, but obviously that takes ID (who is not "ethnic") out of the equation. And adopting from the motherland is no simple alternative currently. They are coveting their kids pretty heavily right now. We would probably have to move on to other countries and I had considered that--and had decided the goal is motherhood and whatever comes along for the ride will be dealt with accordingly.

As I had come to move toward adoption, ID was not quite ready to give up on having the potential to control the pregnancy, having a pregnant wife to show off to the world, having that "new-baby" smell in the house, and starting with a clean slate. All that shit. Because I too benefitted from the idea of donors, getting to enjoy all those things that ID wanted so badly, I worked through the emotional pain of coming to terms with using a donor, I was on board.

But now, after having tasted the possibility (with such optimism) that we might actually have a child that looks biracial-- the mutt we've always dreamed of-- and all the other great things that come from a donor cycle, i am having a hard time thinking that after these 3 embryos are exhausted, if we still don't have a pregnancy, we'll take back our 25K shared risk money from the clinic and move on to adoption. Suddenly now I am actually allowing myself to consider another donor. I am furious that I am considering that!!! But I am. How much $$$ are we going to put into this??? When do we decide enough is enough??

So i have been full of anxiety for the last weeks, am not sleeping well, and am riddled with guilt that my husband got dealt a bad hand. Yes, he already posted about it. Up until now, it was assumed that he was dealt a bad hand selecting a woman like me. But now we have proof. We got great embryos out of another woman, and my body once again was the root of the transgression. It's just ridiculous.

Why did I bring it up? I didn't bring it up with him to so he could convince me that he's not going to leave me, and I didn't bring it up to give him permission to leave me. I didn't bring it up so he could convince me that I am the most wonderful woman in the world, and I didn't bring it up to have a pity party... (well, ok...i suppose it was a part of my pity party...).... I brought it up because if the roles were reversed, I would have moments deep deep down where I was disappointed that I got a bad hand. So of course he must have those same deep dark moments. Of course he has never, and would never, tell me.
I just wanted to state the obvious. I know this is me. We both know this is me.

To add to my frustration, an old friend of mine just had a baby on Friday, (thank goodness mother and baby are doing fine...) and there will be a cascade of births of other childhood friends in the next couple months. ID and I were hoping I would be pregnant by now to shield us but alas, here we are...Not to mention, the last of my new club of local infertile buddies just announced a miracle pregnancy. This is the third miracle pregnancy I have learned about in the last few months. By miracle, i mean tried for years, going thru treatment, and naturally conceived. I spent years debunking those damn stories of miracle pregnancies when my family told me to "relax", "it'll happen when it's time", blah blah blah... Apparently these miracles do happen. They just don't happen to me.

I am now the last woman standing. I see myself being passed by time after time. Even my infertile buddies see success, whether thru treatment or thru the stars aligning for them. Where the fuck is my miracle?

I have regressed over the last month. I am returning to anger. I haven't been in the anger phase for a couple years now. I don't like it.