The absolute worst offense to a woman who has to give up on her attempt at a pregnancy is the pain that comes with a miscarriage. It is excruciating. It is beyond words. It is an offense to the psyche that transcends all emotional pain because it is a concurrent pain in the abdomen.
I have had 2 miscarriages in my life now. I don't know if I should be proud of that. One seemed like a fluke. It was so long ago. Here I am able to officially claim two now. My pain today was so bad, despite more Advil than was probably safe, that I felt that I was going to pass out. That kind of pain that gives one nausea. I have rarely experienced it but today was a day to remember. And here I was crying on the phone to intended D as he is boarding a plane and will be out of reach for who knows how long until he makes it to his destination. What a loser I am for worrying him like this.
The grossest part is some of what came out is now in a tupperware container. Should I take it to the doctor tomorrow? I'm not sure what the point of that would be. It's not like we need to test is whether we have chromosomal issues. This is a donor. We have one more embryo left. And I don't see us using this donor again because what's the point? (what's the point of anything, really...) Does anything need to be tested? I plan to keep it in the tupperware for a while longer. Maybe I'll do surgery on it myself and look for the critter that might be somewhere in there the size of a pin head. Congratulations to me!
If you read Intended D's last post, you'll see that he expresses himself in more optimistic hues than I do. Although the beauty in his post didn't go unnoticed even in my current state of mind. Parenting is an act that is more than giving birth or having a genetic tie. What he saw on the train was priceless and I'm so glad it meant something to him. I have married an amazing man whom I would not trade for all the chocolate in the world!
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