Reconnecting?

One of the worst things about dealing with infertility is lost or paused or strained relationships. There have been friends in our past that have started families or even infertile friends that have been successful and moved on. Losing those friendships..due to their success...brings on a lot of guilt (at least for me). I wonder why I am not strong enough to maintain certain friendships but it can be very hard. Obviously, friendships can be strained when one side starts a family and the other doesn't. These "trivial" differences can be simply not wanting/caring about preschool or dance recitals or blah blah blah. It's hard to relate to those things when you are not dealing with them and so, for that reason, relationships can--sort of--naturally move on.

Mostly, what I am speaking can be exemplified by a few friends we have. One just had a baby and another is currently pregnant. (we've "lost" many friends like this) It's just very hard to maintain strong, or rather close, friendships with people who are achieving what we so desperately want. I'm not excusing us. We could be stronger. But...we're not. And, also, it's not as if these people are less of friends. The friendships, especially the ones that make us feel the worst, are such that we will always maintain deep friendships...family-like friendships..at least I hope these friendships will remain (hopefully the bridges are still there and not completely burned). But, maintaining day-to-day contact is very trying. Of course, the other side of the equation is they can often not understand our position. I don't blame them.

The interesting thing is that while IM was officially pregnant for that happy, fun, and exciting week we started having conversations regarding reconnecting with lost and neglected friendships. Hoping that this was our chance to get back in touch and hope that all was not lost. Then...then the beta hcg started to grow slowly, eventually stopped, and now is decreasing indicating a miscarriage. So, we're not having a baby after all. All of that talk of reconnecting neglected friendships vanished in a flash. I actually feel like cutting myself off even further...even from family. My brother's family, has been exempt from my feelings in this regard, for a long time but my resentment over infertility is starting to creep into that relationship too. I am not being a very good Uncle...that's for sure. Or a good brother. It's as if with every failure I (or we) sink deeper and deeper and it is harder and harder to see the outside world. Old friends seem farther away and our motivation to reach out becomes less and less.

The miscarriage is still very fresh and so is the wound so...hopefully...I will start feeling better and normalizing all of this eventually.