Memories

Today IM had a blood draw (we should get back the beta hcg number later today) and an ultrasound. According to my math the beta is most certainly below 1000 and you're not expected to see anything on an ultrasound if the beta is below 1000. Of course, considering that we are 5.5 weeks along (or so) it would be better if the number was higher and thus it would be nice to see a nice old gestational sac right smack in the uterus doing it's thing. Well, needless to say, the ultrasound showed nothing. Once again we have not experienced a miracle. A miraculous occurance where suddenly the embryo starts growing like a champ and we end up being in that 15% of normal pregnancies with initially low beta numbers. The ultrasound didn't show anything else abnormal either...for whatever that's worth. So, we'll see what the number is today and go from there. Most likely we'll have another ultrasound on Wednesday where the beta will be either well above 1000 or we're screwed...in which case answers will be a little easier to come by.

I'm sooooo down right now. I just don't care about anything right now. I have lots of work to do and an upcoming work trip to Italy (Tuscany even) which one would think I would be looking forward to. Right now, I'd rather not go. This has got me thinking about memories and the whole "it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved" mantras. The weird thing to me is that present experiences severely shape your memories of the past. IM and I spent this last weekend (the one before this one) in NYC with family having just moved past a bunch of positive hpt's and a positive beta hcg blood test. We were kicking around the idea of calling IM pregnant, getting used it a bit, we told our parents the good news (all while remaining cautiously optimistic...we've been burned before). What's weird is I can't recall that good feeling anymore. It's gone. The only feeling I can remember is how I feel right now. You know, that feeling that comes along with "who are we kidding, good things don't happen to us". It has truly been a terrible year. It is hardly believable to be honest...all the things that have or have not happened this year. I was starting to think that odds alone would garantee a pregnancy out of this donor-egg IVF cycle we are doing. How could it not? How is it possible to have continual bad luck and no success. I don't want to complain too badly. Things suck all around to all people and it's not like everything has been terrible---baring one important exception. However, we have just had no success. Everything we've tried to do or wanted to happen or hoped would happen hasn't.

I don't know...I'm off track. Mostly I just was contemplating how interesting it is to be unable to recall the happiness that I was feeling only a week ago.