sleepless nights

It's almost 3:00 a.m. and I cannot sleep.  We are 5 days post 5 day transfer (closer to 6 days post 5 day transfer considering it's basically tomorrow!) and my brain is relentlessly busy.  A couple days ago every little cramp would cause me to feel lightly optimistic.  Right now, I wish I could channel that optimism.  I am so unsettled with the potential for success and what a failure would mean for my and ID's psyche. 

Earlier today I was looking at the daily/weekly embryo development chart for pregnancy. I was able to allow myself into the "yes, it could actually work" phase for a while and it felt so good.  "Why not us???" is something we have been repeating for days now.  And then a switch flipped and I was right back into the darkness of thinking "No, this whole world of having a child, having something actually work-- it's not something ID and I can have."  The idea of me being pregnant is just so far off.  It sounds cliche but I can't imagine having a life growing inside of my body.  And going through all the changes women go through. And allowing my darling husband to experience what he wants to experience.  It just doesn't seem realistic to even hope for it because it has become so intangible.  

I automatically went to plan E in my head when my thoughts turned negative again.  Adoption is our backup plan to donors. I began checking around for which countries are open and operational right now.  It's forever changing depending on many factors.  My first country of choice has got some issues right now, but Ethiopia has always been an option ID and I have considered.  So I am already preparing for plan E even though we have 3 frozen embies.  It's amazing.  I'm a planner by default but it's ridiculous.  

I'm totally anxious and can't sleep.  ID posted the fantastic "memorabilia" post and how we'll throw away the bracelet if I'm not pregnant this time.  Well, will we throw away this entire blog?  It could all become a painful memory of another failed attempt.  

I'd like to blame it on hormones, but I also think I am troubled with how at this point, the embryo either started the implantation process, or it didn't.  There's no middle ground.  It's not just hanging out in my uterus doing its own thing anymore.  It's either merged with the capillary beds in my uterus, and started developing further, or it's stopped dividing and is gone.  And there is no way to know for another several days.  It's so frustrating to have to continue with those daily injections and talking about the "what ifs" when there is an actual truth going on in my body and I cannot know what it is.  How unfair is that?

So rather than a sleepless night because of an uncomfortable pregnancy, a colicky baby, or a sick toddler, I'm dealing with an anxiety over this goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation. This 2ww is just too much.  I need to sleep!