I give up.

We have learned throughout our many IVFs that getting a phone call midafternoon from the IVF clinic telling you that the beta (pregnancy test) is negative completely sucks. As such, we have started to try and soften the blow a bit--IM takes some home pregnancy tests (hpt) before our blood test with the clinic. That way...if it's positive we are excited (although that's never happened) and if it's negative (that's happened a lot) then we aren't completely devastated when we get the blood test results. In my mind it's always been a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" prospect anyway b/c a negative hpt is pretty devastating too. But, whatever, we've tried it both ways and it doesn't suck any worse one way or the other.

Well, our blood test is Friday and IM decided she wanted to take a hpt this morning (we had one lying around b/c we got a free package at a RESOLVE conference we went to a year or so ago--how's that for lame?...initially I hid it from her last night before I went to bed, which was at 3am since I couldn't sleep since I was dreading this hpt test I knew was coming this morning, but I relented....mostly I think I just didn't want to be "surprised" with her hpt result announcement unprepared). Anyway, as per the title of the post, Negative. One line. Of course. How could it be otherwise?

I have so many emotions swimming around in me right now. Unfortunately I was mean to IM which, needless to say, is the lamest thing I could've done. Our personalities are just different and she is forever the cynic that prepares for the worst and hopes for the best. I am a combo of the blind man and the optimist. Hope for the best and ignore the worst possibilities until they are upon me. I'm a bit like "Hans" Solo---"never tell me the odds." Anyway, I said something to effect that I feel like this negative is a self fulfilling prophesy since she expects it to be negative anyway. Not that I believe in any of that "The Secret" positive thinking bullshit---or religion for that matter but that is another post. You are or are not pregnant via science. Period. But it sucked pretty bad the way I said it and that I said it. Hopefully, she'll forgive me.

There are just so many emotions. Helplessness, frustration, anger, sadness, unfulfillment, discontentment,... This feeling and desire to have a baby is just so strong. I don't feel like it's possible to move on with my (our) life without it. I'm just not particularly interested in other things. I have little interest in anything besides this these days. I'm sleepwalking through my career right now b/c the baby situation is so distracting. It's just one of those situations that I don't feel I can move on to anything else until it is resolved. So, I'm completely unfulfilled and discontent. It's funny too b/c I like where I live, I love IM more than anything, my job is satisfying. In other words, OTHER than having a baby I really wouldn't change a thing and the things I would change I would almost feel greedy, you know? I could be skinnier, better looking, nicer apartment, better job, blah blah blah . The usual. I just don't really give a shit about any of that compared to starting a family. I can only vaguely remember that in my past life I cared about things like a new care, a new bike, a new computer, apartment, clothes. I have so little interest in material things these days....Evolution really did a number on us humans b/c this drive to have a family is so ridiculously strong we behave completely irrationally under it's spell!

The other bad feeling I have is I just feel completely alone. I said that to IM this morning and she echoed it by saying she feels left behind. Left behind somehow doesn't resonate with me and doesn't seem right but I'm sure it's a different angle to feeling alone. We have been leaving our families out of the fertility loop for a while now (we found it a bit easier to suffer disappointment alone) so they don't know. They suspect b/c they aren't idiots and know we're trying to have a baby....but they don't know specifics. It's just that with every disappointment I feel like I (and probably do) take a step away from everybody--family, friends, etc. I'm sure it's simply a desire to be alone....I don't know.

I hope I can get back on track. I have work to do, as usual, and perseverating about this won't make it better. Empathy and love are the only things a person needs in life and I hope to get some of it back pretty soon.

p.s. I suppose there is a chance IM's Friday test could be positive. Who knows? Hpts can be wrong, it could be too early, blah blah blah. We've just been down this road before and know where it goes.