Ritualistic cleansing ... but I don't really feel cleansed

Yesterday I started cleaning out an old laptop of mine. My mother-in-law could use an "Indian-soap-opera and Solitaire playing" machine and the old laptop fits the bill pretty well :)

Anyhow, I was looking around and deleting old files and I came across a folder with info about the egg donor we eventually chose. Hmm. I had saved the "bio-data" and about 10 pictures. We had stored this info b/c we figured it would be good to keep this stuff for our eventual child and I was in charge of storing it b/c we also figured it would be best to "hide it", in some respects. We didn't want it easily available for IM to look at any time she felt the need...I have better will-power when it comes to stuff like this :)

The reason we wanted to sort-of limit the availability of the donor's pictures and bio-data is due to this: we went to a donor-egg support group once and the leader, who had donor-egg twins that were toddlers at least (I think), had mentioned that she would, in weak moments, look at donor pictures (or remember donor pictures) and realize that her children resemble the donor and not her. That was not a feeling she particularly enjoyed. (This reminds me of my great idea!)

So...anyway...I deleted them (although not really b/c I have a backup somewhere and I'm not going to delete the folder in the backup b/c I just don't care enough to do that) and I'm not sure how I feel. It didn't seem really momentous b/c the donor really doesn't mean anything to us anymore. The cycle didn't work. I appreciate what she was willing to do to help us (and we paid her pretty well for the help) but it didn't work. So there is just no connection between her and us. "It was nice knowing ya" sort of thing.

Earlier in the day, IM had thrown away all the medication we still had (progesterone, lupron, blah blah blah). She seemed to want me to participate but I didn't really want to. I'm not sure how I feel about it but she was pretty exhilarated...I think. I think I feel a little bit sad and pathetic about it. She has been ordered to write about it....we'll see.