Baby Clothes and Baby Steps

A couple weeks ago, Intended D was looking at some stuff on cafepress for some reason and stumbled across some adorable baby onesies with funny things written on them. I've been really working hard on being optimistic now that we have begun the adoption process. (we sent in our homestudy application last week!) I told him he should order a couple of them because they were so cute. I said: “When we want them in the future, maybe we won’t be able to find them!” And a couple days later, I discovered Intended D had indeed ordered baby clothes!!!!! You cannot imagine my shock when I opened the package.

Over the years, Intended D and I have known a lot of couples (mostly women) out there who began collecting baby clothes, baby shoes, baby whatever as soon as they started trying to conceive (ttc) . Hell, my sister-in-law bought a pair of baby Air-Jordans before she was married OR pregnant! (And unfortunately for her, she had 2 little girls whose bows and ruffles probably never matched the Air Jordans. They are probably still sitting in a box somewhere. Tough times….) I digress…

Back in 2002/2003 when we started ttc, we made 2 big decisions related to our planned critter: we bought a video camera (yes, VHS.…) and we bought a more reasonable vehicle with better mileage and 4 doors. Both seem like big purchases but we thought they were practical in the grand scheme of things. Somehow in the beginning, we resisted buying any baby clothes because it seemed premature until we knew whether we would have a boy or girl... and besides, we didn't have a ton of space as apartment dwellers. Anyway, as our reproductive journey turned into an infertility journey, we nixed the idea of investing in any other baby paraphernalia. It was just too heartbreaking.

Four years ago when our niece was born, we bought her a little t-shirt that had a Muppets-theme to it that Intended D and I both thought was really funny. Turned out it was too tight for her by the time we gave it to her. And rather than sending it back, we made a big decision. We kept it. Partly because we were both too lazy to pack it up and send it back. We let it take up space for a while, it collected dust, and finally decided we'd just hold onto it. We boxed it up and put it in storage. At the time we were doing IVFs. That shirt is still sitting in a box somewhere. I’m not certain where it is but I know we kept it.

From time to time Intended D has looked at baby onesies and t-shirts-- when we were doing the donor cycle and thinking about the possibility of twins, he was looking at silly ones like shirts that say "I'm with stupid" that are pointing at each other. Most of the time though, through our infertility journey, we've avoided looking at baby paraphernalia. It's just too painful. Most of the time we feel like we'll never have a baby. So purchasing clothes just feels so pathetic.

My friends I have made in the adoption world keep telling me that the great thing about adoption is that at the end of the day, we WILL have a baby in our home. Intended D and I have struggled to really believe that. This experience has had so many disappointments that we don't believe in ANY GUARANTEES. But I am so happy that Intended D purchased those two onesies -- he bought 6-12 month sizes so that we'll definitely be able to use them. It feels like such a big step to actually allow ourselves to "dream" again-- to believe we might be successful despite all the failures. We are maybe, just maybe, on a path to believing that adoption might actually result in a baby.

For now I'm not sure what to do with those shirts, but I'm glad we're keeping them.