Really?...I give up

Today I found out that I didn't get a job* that I worked really really really hard to get. I felt like a had a really good shot and, in a lot of ways, it would have been as close to perfect as we have dared to dream lately. Needless to say, I'm very depressed about this and it makes me feel like a failure. The funny thing is...it got me thinking.

There were two things that I expected to achieve in my life. The two expectations where, in actuality, my long-term dreams but I didn't really consider them dreams because so many people achieve them with relative ease. One was to have a family; make love to my wife, get her pregnant, and have children. The other was to go college and graduate school in order to get the sort of job I always wanted. Now, this job is not "rock-star" or "football-star" or some stupid unattainable bullshit like that...it's not to be a billionaire or anything like that.. It's a job that most people would guess is readily achievable....as it should be considering it requires a fucking Ph.D. and, once you get it, a shit load of work and relatively modest pay.

Well, as this blog attests: the first goal/dream/expectation is not to be**, and evidently the second goal/dream/expectation is not to be. There is "always next year" regarding the job...but the writing is starting to appear on the wall in a darker and more readable shade and it is pointing to either (1) lowering my job expectations even further then they've already been lowered or (2) switching to "plan B" (after I figure one out!) and convincing myself that it is better than "plan A" would have been.

Somewhere along the line the following transformations occurred.
Expectation --> Goal --> Dream
My expectations in life became goals as I grew up and realized you don't get everything you want. Then goals became dreams since we could never seem to achieve our goals.

Lately, the most apt phrase to describe my thoughts is "How did I get here?"

* In principle, I could still get it but my chances are very very very slim.

** I know I know I know. Our goal is to be parents and adoption allows a person to parent in a very satisfying and beautiful way...but I'm fucking feeling sorry for myself right now and I just do not want to fucking hear it!