Recovering ... or trying to.

Ugh where to begin? Well first of all, my last beta was at 11. So I’m almost there. I am scheduled again in a couple days, and they are hoping to have it be 0 again. So it’s been almost 3 weeks and here we are. Amazing how long it takes for the beta to drop.
Also, we got the results from the blob back. So the doctor called me to talk about the “next step”. She called me several days ago to tell me that the blob didn’t show any “product of conception” in it so there was nothing to assess for karyotyping. But the testing may not have shown any ‘product’ simply because it was still so early.

So now, since I’m up to 2 miscarriages, I officially qualify for testing for clotting issues. It’s funny. Before we embarked on the donor cycles, I asked her what else could be done, what else could be tested, etc... at that time we were told “nothing else”. But add one more miscarriage to the list, and suddenly it has a red-flag next to it saying “test for x,y,z...” do these REs not know how to think on their own? Are they down to such an algorithm that they are not allowed to think outside of the box and say “well, this patient has only had 1 miscarriage but 5 failed cycles and she’s only 33.. blah blah blah... so perhaps we should consider a, b, or c. But no, only when a donor cycle fails TWICE that she decides something more should be done. Suddenly it's a "trend"...It’s so fucked up.

So now once my beta hits 0, I get to have some bloodwork done to test for thrombophilia (I think?)... She says everything else has been done but that. Also, she mentioned perhaps doing another sonohystogram to check my uterus and do another mock embryo transfer...I asked about whether it’s worthwhile to check my uterus for other problems, and then the discussion of a hysteroscopy came up. The benefits of a hysteroscopy is that it’s more sensitive (obviously since there is actually a scope looking at the inside of the uterus!) than a sonohystogram. So we discussed this, and at first I was more than a little wary of having another procedure. The last time I had a hysteroscopy it turned into a laparoscopy because he couldn’t get through my cervix or had some trouble... so he had to cut into my belly. They fill you full of gas, and it’s pretty painful. It’s a tough recovery for the first couple days, I thought I was going to die from the stabbing pain!!!

But apparently they would do it right in the office, under twilight anesthesia, and there is no risk of doing a lap because they don’t have the facilities for it. She felt pretty confident she could navigate my cervix again, and not puncture anything (yikes!)... And the best part is that through the course of the procedure, she would dilate my cervix. So the next embryo transfer might not be so heinous. I also asked her why the last 2 transfers have been so difficult.. what could have changed in my cervix to cause it to be so closed up? Of course we have no answers for that.

So as soon as I get my bloodwork back with a 0 beta, I can get the clotting testing started. That will take a couple weeks. In the mean time, with my next period, I can start on BCPs (what’s the fucking point of that? As if my body is actually going to get pregnant.. I mean – to quote Gob Bluth- “C’mon!”)... While on BCPs they can do the procedure, and then do the FET the month after that since I’ll be on the pill already...

Anyway, that’s a possible next step before we move on to the final embryo. I am not really in any hurry to do this. I am not in any hurry to do anything. My body is still in a state of flux, and although I’m not spotting or anything, I can tell things aren’t normal. I need a few months to just recover. My butt is still painful and numb from the IM shots, my brain is still jelly and my heart is still broken.

It’s so painful to think about, I think I am just trying to move one day at a time. I am in a mode of feeling and believing that there is nothing to be gained from allowing myself to hurt too much. This was such a terrible experience, I just want to get past it and move forward. Intended D subconsciously (and sometimes not so subconsciously) blames me for being so negative. As if I am the reason it didn’t work. We are definitely a yin and yang – you have to remember this is the same man who, for the first 2 years of ttc, kept deciding our problem wasn’t infertility, but that it must be random that EVERYBODY else out there gets pregnant in the first few months, the first YEAR at the most...and that we should just wait it out...
and of course his reply would be that I was ready to adopt after the first 6 months of failure. Yes, we are opposites.

At this point, I’m being practical. I am the type who doesn’t go back for more pain. It’s not like I was negative during the cycle. It’s that at the end of the day, my eyes are on the goal of having a little one in our home.

I believe that when we get to that point, we’ll be OK. It’s like when we had our brief encounter with a pregnancy and neither Intended D nor I were feeling remorse, regret, or disappointment over having used donor eggs. Instead it was elation and excitement and relief. My having agreed to use donors was a leap of faith that when it’s all said and done, we’d be happy. That’s what everybody always told us. So what choice did I have but to believe those who came before me? Well isn’t this the same thing? Adoption was not our first choice, nor was donors. But at the end of the day, what is our goal?
Anyway, I’m worried that I am not dealing with things that well but I don’t know how else to handle it. Thinking about my friends who are having children, either naturally or through their own miracles, has just been a reminder of our failure. Even my IF friends are mostly having children now. I am the last woman standing. I think it’s tough because nobody we know has done the adoption route yet. So it just feels so strange. I can’t bear to think about it all or I just want to break down and cry.