IM mentioned to me the other day that a couple we know (they are loooonnnngggg time friends of ours and nearly the same age among other similarities) are TTC. Trying To Conceive.
Riding my train to work this morning a thought popped into my head, for no good reason: If this cycle we are doing right now fails--and it certainly has a good chance of failing considering our previous record--and our friend gets pregnant, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it.
The thought literally made my heart sink in that anxious way. You know that feeling? That emotion that makes you want to simultaneously curl into the fetus position and run as fast as you can for the hills? That emotion that makes you want to "check out" of your life and start anew? That feeling that made Forest Gump start running? That's what I felt when this thought came creeping into my brain. To make matters worse and more complicated I am very unhappy, guilty, and frustrated that I feel this way regarding somebody we love having success. Not only success, but the realization of a dream most couples share. It is certainly our dream. Ah, but there's the rub, right?
I fucking hate this!
...our next step if this cycle doesn't work is relatively obvious. We are running out of options after all. Adoption...another donor cycle...another fresh cycle? Childfree is not in our future...we are not a childfree kind of couple (not that there's anything wrong with that...we're just not). Even though the next step is pretty well established it fills me with unhappiness and anxiety which is 99% due to just sheer fatigue. A normal human being simply cannot fail repeatedly at something they long for with such passion without long-lasting detrimental effects. Post-traumatic-stress-disorder? Seems about right.
How's that for melodramatic? What was my "mantra" again?
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... "why not us?" ... "why not us?"...
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