Irony of non-ideality

In some ways IM and I have been sort of lucky.

While IM's sister has two kids over 8 and my brother has two kids under 5 most of our friends have not really started to have kids yet. Being in our early 30s, this is kind of abnormal although not as much these days as people are waiting longer and longer to have children. Speaking of times changing....our times are changing. This is because we now have many friends all having or having had kids over the last year or so. 4 of my co-workers have had kids in the past year and another one is expecting in a few months. Three of IM's friends are currently expecting and another has a 6 month old. These situations are always very hard for people in our situation and it's always difficult for IM to say she will NOT be attending the baby showers.

It is difficult to see other people successfully attaining our goal with such seeming ease. Not to mention, doing a donor cycle has that inherent "sting" to it, i.e., even if it works it is not ideal. I don't want that to sound too harsh but it's true and I think admitting that truth to oneself is important and liberating. This whole situation is not ideal. Ideally, IM and I would have maybe 2 kids by now and contemplating a third. That was our plan and for 90% (at least) of couples their plans are easily attained and often the plans aren't plans and children come as little surprises. It's all really tricky emotionally because having a baby through IVF or donor IVF would be a dream come true and referring to its success as not "ideal" seems a bit unfair to the child! But, you can't lie to yourself because it will always come back to you worse the second time around. Ultimately, becoming a parent is our goal. The thing is...we have had to consider, contemplate, come to terms with, grieve, ect., a whole mess of issues that a typical parent never has to think about. Consider how it feels to NOT pass our your genes. Consider having a child that is your genes but not your partner's. Consider a child that may or may not have any of your features and if they do it's a lucky coincidence. Consider answering the well meaning questions of friends--"where did her curly hair come from anyway?" It's all very interesting because one would think that IVF (especially non-donor egg IVF) "cures" infertility and I suppose in some sort of clinical sense it does. However, that is not how infertile couples feel. Even if our dreams come true and we end up as parents through donor IVF we are still an infertile couple. Our situation is not ideal and far from perfect. Imagine all the compromises and intrusions along the way. What if we want a second child (like most families)? Another trip to the Dr along with a $25,000 check and another trip to the donor agency with another $10,000 check. Anyway, what the hell was my point?....

Oh yeah. The point is that we have a good chance at a successful donor IVF. If we are successful IM would be due about a year from now and we and a few of our close friends would all have children within a year in age of each other. I have two cousins that are within a year of me and while we are not super close (due to geographical decisions made by--essentially my--parents) we have a certain "bond". THAT is the silver lining here--as pathetic as it may be--the irony of non-ideality. Most of the time people struggling with infertility end up finally having success at a later age, i.e., late 30s early 40s. And often their friends started their families in their late 20s as is typical. So, many infertile couples find that they are starting their families very "late" and find themselves the oldest mom and dad in the neighborhood or at parent-teacher conferences. Not that that makes any discernible difference in the grand scheme but it's just another non-ideal situation created by infertility. We, ironically, could end up dodging this particularly non-ideal "bullet". All because our friends were very slow to get married and have children and we were so slow having children! Funny.

This all depends, of course, on us having good luck. One quickly learns not to count your chickens before they hatch and with a donor cycle that is even more important of a mantra. MANY MANY things can still derail this whole thing. And, of course, the chance of great success comes with the chance of great failure. The prospect of this NOT working is something that scares the hell out of IM and me. Where the hell do we go from there? Adoption? Another $50,000? Certainly another compromise!