Ummm...what was I saying?

Yeah, well....what's going on? In an attempt to not drop this whole blog/journal completely and let it disappear I thought I would try to say something.

The last post was Dec. 14th or something like that which is about 3.5 months ago.

Since then we have done the following:
- went to an adoption support group
- went to an adoption open house
- visited a lawyer and put him on retainer (is that the right terminology?)
- considered private adoption and enlisted our marketing guru friend to help--although this hasn't really gone anywhere as of yet. It's a lot of work and a little overwhelming to even get going. It's sort of like looking for a needle in a haystack.
- wrote up a "Meet IM and IF" letter to prospective biological mothers--that was a pretty emasculating and humiliating experience...
- considered domestic agency adoption and thought about all the issues surrounding trans-racial, mixed-racial, blah blah blah adoption. We're already a mixed race couple so, well, who gives a shit right?
- considered international adoption
- received a check for $25,000 from our IVF clinic for our shared risk program :) So I guess there is an upshot to failure, but I would trade that money any day....besides it just gets invested into adoption.

Our good friend and 'mirror' couple has recently announced their pregnancy as well.

Emotionally? I don't know. Wrecked. Distracted. Work has been helpfully distracting both IM and me but I think we are both itching to get things going again. It's just really amazing when other parts of your life creep into the infertility part. You realize how different, and mostly impossible, your decision making strategy is due to the infertility. For example, moving to a different state because of a job opportunity is now horribly complicated. I guess at least we are not, and won't be, in the middle of a IVF cycle which would certainly prohibit moving and even traveling. Anyway, I talk to my father from time to time on life advice and what-not and he, being such a planner, is always trying to advise towards planning for the future. Is he kidding? He knows our story. It is just too hard to understand I guess. We had plans. 6 years ago we had plans and children were a BIG part of those plans. Things change. IVF is very hard, but possible, to plan. Adoption is pretty much IMPOSSIBLE to plan...impossible in the "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" type of questions. "Well, 5 years ago I didn't see myself here, so well, who fucking knows!?!?"

Well, that's about all I got right now...I'm feeling a bit numb about the whole thing. On the other hand I no longer really fantasize about IM being pregnant and us having a baby. I fantasize about our adopted baby--whoever he/she may be. I guess that is progress. It can just be pretty lonely out here. Not many people can understand how we feel and empathize in any meaningful way. That can be a very lonely feeling.